Free What a Girl Needs by Kristin Billerbeck

really none of your business. Can we talk about something else?”
    I’m lost in my thoughts as I ponder the depth of what she’s said. It’s true. God should be enough. Being married should be enough, but life can still be lonely. Really lonely. And sometimes, God feels intensely absent. And the worst of it is when some well-meaning Christian tells you that you’re a terrible Christian on top of it all; otherwise, you wouldn’t feel that way.
    “I get it, Kay, I really do. Sometimes Kevin is so tired when he gets home, he doesn’t even say hello before he drops into bed. Marriage is lonely sometimes, too.”
    “Perhaps it is, but you can’t compare your situation to mine. A man loved you enough to put a ring on your finger and marry you, Ashley. Kevin spoke vows in front of God and everyone and pledged his love to you.”
    “I didn’t know you wanted that, Kay.”
    “I may not express myself as vehemently as you do, but I still have feelings. Rejection still hurts.”
    The expression that crosses her face is exactly the one I remember when Matt was in her life the last time. It’s exactly why my feelings against Matt run so deep.
    “I just don’t want you to be rejected by Matt again. I don’t want you to run on that relationship treadmill like I did with Seth.”
    She draws in a deep breath and nods.
    “What are you making for dinner again?” I change the subject.
    “A fresh shrimp salad. It’s got lime juice, cilantro, jalapenos, fresh basil and this light dressing.” She pulls out a lime to offer proof. “Perfect for summer. I got everything at the Farmer’s Market after work, so it’s all totally fresh. Even the shrimp.”
    “You’re no different than me, Kay. Not really,” I tease. “You just put all your effort into color-coordinating your food and your table instead of your clothes.”
    Kay stops chopping veggies and looks at me with those serious eyes of hers. She always had the air of a judge, the kind of woman who could shut you down with a look while she took her time to gather her thoughts. Somehow, others drew silent and waited for her to make a statement of stealth importance.
    “I need you to get out of my way while I cook,” Kay says. She never did like anyone in her kitchen, but especially me. Things tend to spill when I’m in the kitchen.
    “I need to go rinse my hair anyway and see if I can get some of this color out.” I move to the doorway, out of her lair.
    I slog to the bathroom with rapt anticipation that my hair color is not as bad as Kay makes it out to be. If Kay noticed how boring I’ve become, how far behind can Kevin be? Maybe my husband has already noticed. Didn’t he say I’d lost my sparkle? The pressure mounts for me to find my passion again. Somehow, I know dinner with Seth isn’t going to help that. Did Kevin realize he was sending me to the wolves?

Chapter 6
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    I am turning beige. This can only mean one thing. I have peaked, and it’s all downhill from here. I kick off my flats, and opt for summery, strappy wedges. They’re Kate Spade and I got them on clearance, so they didn’t break the bank. They have tiny daisies on the heel and they scream, Notice Me. I am not beige. I am colorful and full of life.
    Kicking off my shoe, it sails under the bed, so I drop to my hands and knees and clamber under the guest bed—which incidentally is covered in clutter. Clutter that wouldn’t have been allowed when I lived here. Under-the-bed clutter was under the same jurisdiction and rules as the rest of the house. Hiding it does no good, Ashley. It’s there. God knows it’s still there, even if I don’t. Clear out the clutter and you’ll clear your mind , I hear Kay preaching at me.
    My teeth clench, as I know Matt must be the source of this mess. Kay is willing to put up with Matt’s messes – when I know she wasn’t willing to put up with mine. This changes things.
    I reach into the melee for my shoe, and I fish it out, along with something orange