Free Midsummer's Eve by Kitty Margo

incessant whiner, Mallory (who m you’ve already met) . Picture Drew Barrymore with Fran Dresher’s grating snivel. She is short with more curves than Jessica Rabbit, minus the boobs, and I must confess the girl is your classic nympho. Honestly, she craves sex like I craved chocolate when I still had a period, which I haven’t had since cervi cal cancer marched into my life causing my doctor to insist on a complete hysterectomy at age 41.
    Mallory only dates black men. All her intimate friends have heard her say at least once that just the thought of a white man’s penis makes her sick to her stomach. “They are so. . .so. . . pink!”
    She began dating black men as nothing more than a way to piss her extr emely overbearing mother off and in the process got hooked for life. It’ s amazing what dramatic changes t he love of a child can bring abo ut. Mallory has a bi-r acial daughter who is now the very center of her onc e intolerant mother’ s universe.
    Bless her heart. Mallory is also ten der hearted to a fault. She can’ t tolerate even the sugges tion of hurting anyone’ s feelings. I have stood by and watched her spend her last penny to buy a ha ndmade birdhouse, when she didn’ t even have a tree to hang it in, because an e lderly man was selling them.
    Therefore , most times when I am lamenting my pain and angst , she tells me what she believes I need to hear in order to feel be tter about my life in general. “ It will be alright, Eve . He’ ll call. Just give him time to th ink about it. Even though I can’ t stand him, Adam loves you. I know he does. He is just…well…beyond stupid.”
    Tammy has a slight speech impediment. Any word that has an s is pronounced with a th. Picture Rosie O'Donnell with a lisp. She is tall with a fuller figure and has a fondn ess for Latino- flavored men . She works in the accounting department of a large factory.
    Her advice depends largely on what mood she’s in. If it’s a rotten mood , she will be quick to inform me that I should find someone else. “ Adam couldn’ t pothibly have loved you and cheated with Chia like he did.” If she is having a cheerful day , she will dial his number and motion for me to pick up the other receiver just so I can hear his sweet Yankee voice.
    Now on to my favorite royal bitch . Teri. Picture Pamela Anderson with brown highlighted hair and much fuller lips. Okay. One statement pretty much sums her up. Until a couple of years ago , she was a man. Yep. A man. However , only the keenest and most perceptive eye would ascertain that now. She is decidedly female now, and has one of those bodies to die for. Large firm implanted breasts with nipples in the epicenter. I would kill to have my nipples back in their epicenter! Curvaceous hips, a tiny lipo sculpted waist, cheek implants, chin implant, buttock implants, laser resurfaced skin and all over laser hair removal, tattooed eyebrows and everything waxed, manicured and pedicured.
    She had the final appendage removal a few years ago and was at last able to find the peace as a woman she had craved her entire life. The word that comes to mind most when describing Teri would be diva. You would imagine her walking a runway in Paris rather than being the gated community housewife that she is.
    Her adv ice to me is always brutally honest. She tells it just like she sees it. No sparing anyone’s feelings with that girl. Hell , no. Not a chance. She has chewed my butt out on more than one occasion until it was left raw and bleeding over who she refers to as that spineless piece of human offal , Adam .
    The night I had found out about Adam and Chia, after pain pills had finally eased the ferocious pain and nausea of a migraine, Teri had stayed on the phone with me the better part of the night talking me through the heartbreak of betrayal to prevent me from doing anything stupid. I received flowers and a fruit basket the following morning, because Teri has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever