Free The Horse is Dead by Robert Klane

of a bitch, had thrown Dr. Harry Chittleman a bad ball.
     
    Nemiroff read the name pinned on the pocket of the man examining him. Dr. H. Chittleman.
    "Take a deep breath," Dr. Chittleman said. Nemiroff took a deep breath. "Uh hmmm," the doctor said.
    "I don't want to die," Nemiroff told him.
    "You're not going to die," the doctor reassured him.
    "What do you know," Nemiroff yelled. "That pregnant woman's sister-in-law's nephew. He knows."
    "I can assure you, you're not going to die," the doctor said.
    "Are you sure?" Nemiroff could hardly believe his ears.
    "I'm positive," Dr. Chittleman said. "Now just drop your pants and let me finish the examination."
    Nemiroff thanked God for letting him five. He felt a little sorry for the person who was going to die to make room for the pregnant woman's baby, but that was his tough luck. He noticed Dr. Chittleman staring at him.
    "What a funny pair of balls," the doctor said. He started to laugh.
    "What are you talking about?" Nemiroff asked.
    "That's a very funny pair of balls," Dr. Chittleman repeated. "Has the nurse seen this?"
    Nemiroff was gaping. "What do you mean, has the nurse seen this?"
    Dr. Chittleman was laughing harder now. "I think the nurse should see this. They're very funny."
    Nemiroff was mad. "How can a pair of balls be funny?"
    Dr. Chittleman was holding his sides now. "They're just funny." He opened the door and called to the nurse. "Nurse, come in here and take a look at this."
    Nemiroff lay back down on the table. He couldn't believe it. The nurse came in and walked over to the table.
    "Have you ever seen a funnier-looking pair of balls in your life?" Dr. Chittleman asked.
    Nemiroff felt his face turning red. The nurse started to laugh, and now both she and the doctor were hysterical.
    "Has Dr. Beaton seen this?" the doctor asked the nurse.
    "I don't think so," the nurse said.
    "Get him in here." The nurse went out to the desk and paged Dr. Beaton. She came back five minutes later towing Dr. Beaton. "Take a look," Dr. Chittleman said.
    Dr. Beaton looked over at Nemiroff, naked from the waist down, lying on the table.
    "Is that funny?" Dr. Chittleman asked his colleague. All three of them were now laughing at Nemiroff.
    Dr. Chittleman ignored him. "Where's Nurse Lane," he asked. "She'd really get a kick out of this."
    Nemiroff couldn't stand it any longer. He got up off the table and started to pull on his pants. "You're all out of your fucking minds," he told them. They just laughed at him.
    "Please," Dr. Chittleman begged, "just wait for Nurse Lane."
    "I'll be damned if I will," Nemiroff shouted. He started to walk out of the room. The doctors and the nurse followed him, still laughing hysterically. Nemiroff didn't know which way to go. He just knew he wanted to get the hell out of that hospital, and fast Nemiroff started down the long hospital corridor, looking for a way to get out. He stopped for a moment to pull up his pants. A nurse walked by wheeling a woman on a table. The woman looked over at Nemiroff. It was the woman from the ambulance. Nemiroff noticed her, then he noticed the baby on the table beside her. The baby was alive and so was Nemiroff. He hoped she wouldn't get upset and try and kill him or something to make room for her baby. The woman watched Nemiroff as he pulled up his drawers and started to hitch up his pants. She picked the baby up and held it out toward Nemiroff.
    Nemiroff smiled. Maybe he had her all wrong. Maybe she wanted to be friends after all. Nemiroff started to walk over to the woman and the baby.
    "Stop," she yelled, "don't come near my baby. I don't want my baby to be near someone who is going to die."
    Nemiroff stopped. "Then what did you hold the baby up for?" he asked.
    "I just wanted my baby to see a funny pair of balls," the woman said. "It would be a shame if he didn't see them before you die."
    She put the baby down next to her and the nurse wheeled them both off. Nemiroff turned and walked out of the hospital. He kept