Free Regeneration X by Ellison Blackburn Page B

said, sounding a little nervous. ‘I’ll find the flashlight, it’s somewhere in this pack.’
    “Startled by the sound of his voice, I turned to look into his face, but he didn’t meet my eyes. He was busy rummaging for the flashlight. As I began to descend, my heartbeat quickened. I cautiously stepped forward, ‘the trail is really narrow and I can’t see the markings anymore.’ It was quiet. ‘Does the Swiss Army use reflective paint?’
    Miles didn’t answer.
    “We marched on for a while in quiet, but the sky had quickly turned a deep indigo and then into blackness. I’d never experienced this kind of darkness ever before. Instinctively I started shuffling my feet. My teeth chattered. I reached out before me. ‘Miles? Uh … Where’s that flashlight? I can’t see my hand in front of my face.’ The ground was too smooth, I couldn’t even hear the crunch of our steps. Just then Miles turned on the flashlight and I saw him standing very close to me. The darkness swallowed up the dim light and the flashlight flickered and went out.
    “I wanted to cry. It was quiet. I whispered with desperation and fear, ‘Please Miles, turn it on. I can’t see.’ My heart beat wildly in my chest; I felt a nudge. My foot slid on the edge of the path. Miles bumped me again.” Having relayed everything in as much detail as she could remember Charley concluded the scene. “My lungs squeezed out the beginnings of a scream I didn’t recognize as my own and I lost footing.”
    “I did fall, but luckily only a short tumble down next to the path. Aggravated with Miles, I accused him of pushing me; I still do not know if he did. He said he’d been cautiously moving forward not sure where I was when he bumped me. Only, he sounded so defensive, I could hear the regret in his voice. Maybe because he knew how bad it could have been. In reality, I believed him and I told myself Miles wouldn’t resort to such extreme measures just to end the relationship. We broke up soon after. But in my dream I woke up when I fell.”
    Dr. Baum said, “Do you think you harbor a desire, maybe not for your past, but for Miles to …”
    “No,” she interjected.
      “Let me finish before you misinterpret my question. I was going to say, ‘explain.’ Maybe you resent him, not because you suspect him of pushing you off the cliff, but rather of pushing you away. You implied before the breakup was a mutual decision. Is it possible you blame him for the end of your relationship?
    While she ruminated in silence, she realized she could not answer Dr. Baum’s questions without absorbing the idea that she actually resented Miles. Sure, she had been momentarily angry, but resentful? There was a lot there. She’d have to think on it. As if reading her mind, Dr. Baum interjected before she responded, “Perhaps we should leave your answers for our next time. Think about it and maybe write it out. It might help you recall how you felt at the time.”
    Charley considered these questions passively for the remainder of the day, realizing by the end of it that she resented Miles then and apparently now. It was coming back to haunt her because her life was so … predictable—exactly what she thought was nice before. Her subconscious was telling her what she couldn’t see in reality.
    December 22, 2024
    I closed my eyes and let myself fall into an abyss for a moment, and when I opened them, I felt slightly nauseous. All these years and only now am realizing the end of Miles’ and I’s relationship completely changed my future. I must have realized this before and blocked it out or it was masked by the grief I felt at the time. It was rather easy to admit the friendship was the most difficult part of the relationship to let go of, but aside from the pain of losing someone I’d loved, I remember now how I had felt a mixture of disappointment for some time after.
    I was angry, too, because truthfully I’d become rather accustomed to trips abroad and a