Free Regeneration X by Ellison Blackburn

cognitively connected to the present.”
    “Oh!” That’s probably what it is.
    “By the way, I recently had the same memory dream again; you know the one I painted?”
    Dr. Baum prompted with a nod.
    “Anyway, the dream was about us and one particular instance on the mountain. It was terrifying because it was true—depending on how you perceived the actual events. The dream was based on reality, but as it always is in dreams, it was distorted … slightly.”
    “Tell me about it in as much detail as you can remember.”
    “Well, we were going for a hike up one of the Swiss Alps trails. My dream begins on the trail that day. We’d been climbing for so long; I was so tired. The dream starts with me saying, ‘Miles? Let’s stop. Can we? I’m exhausted.’
    “Then, I’m watching Miles secure a foot between two large rocks, grabbing the corner of a rock above him, and heaving his body up. Since Miles was very lean and sinewy, I could see the muscles on his back and shoulders stretching, almost painfully through the thin, black fabric of the performance jersey he was wearing. Just at this moment, he made it to the top of the relatively small peak we’d been climbing. Up until then he hadn’t responded to my question and, finally, he pauses and turns. Standing above and looking down at me, he says, ‘You’ll stiffen up. We shouldn’t stop now.’
    “At this point, I muttered in a barely audible tone, ‘It’s alright for conditioned climbers. This peak is probably no big deal … just a bunch of big rocks. …’ But, I pushed myself on, thinking, ‘ I’ll get through this, after all, it’s probably one of the easier climbs. ’
    “Going back to the morning, it was our first day in Switzerland and I was ready for the adventure. I felt so proud. I remember thinking, it’s going to be amazing; climbing those beautiful, blue peaks and being out in the fresh mountain air . It was going to be an experience I would cherish. I would brag about it to everyone I knew. With confidence and a fake air of casual expertise, I packed a camera in my backpack along with granola trail mix, both in the front zipper pocket. I felt excited and prepared.
    “But seven hours later, and after walking, hiking, and climbing through many different terrains, the snack mix bag was nearly empty and my naive, but adventurous spirit was gone. I had always been a romantic; maybe I’d been envisioning scenes of The Sound of Music . But, the aching muscles, the sweat dripping down my temples into my eyes and down my back making my skin itch, and the hunger pangs stabbing at my stomach were never part of my imagination. I knew I would never do this again and I felt a little guilty and flaky; it was going to be one more thing I tried and given up.
    “‘I thought this was going to be fun.’ I said, ‘You never said a thing about climbing a rock wall. Please , let’s just stop for a minute.’
    “It wasn’t an unrealistic request, but judging by his stiff posture and generally distanced look, my tone must have made Miles feel I was blaming him for being hot, hungry, and generally miserable. In reality, I wasn’t much of a whiny, petulant brat as far as I remember, but this is how I came across in the dream. I could see clearly how my rosy picture of everything was fantastical. I wanted everything to be perfect, and at that moment I thought it was or still could be; it never occurred to me it could be anything else.
    “Miles stopped. He didn’t look at me, he was staring off into the distance, but his voice was almost paternal. ‘Wall? We’re not scaling a building going straight up, so that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think? The temperature is warmer than usual. This field is normally covered with packed snow; it’s easier to walk on then. Believe me I didn’t plan this. This is the first time I’ve seen it this way, but it’s not like we can ask the mountain to cut you a break.’
    “‘I wouldn’t be