Free Junie B. Jones and Her Big Fat Mouth by Barbara Park Page A

on the ground. Do you hear? Not
ever.”
    “But I blowed off the germs,” I told him.
    Janitor shook his head. “You can’t blow germs off,” he said. “Eating things that you find on the ground is very, very dangerous.”
    Then Janitor picked up the dangerous candy. “Now run along and play,” he said.
    I did a big sigh. “Yeah, only I can’t,” I said.“’Cause I shot off my big fat mouth in kindergarten. And then I got punishment. And now I hate my bestest friend Lucille.”
    Janitor smiled a little bit sad. “Life is hard sometimes, isn’t it, sis?” he said.
    I bobbed my head up and down. “Yes,” I said. “Life is P.U.”
    Then Janitor patted my head and he walked away.
    And so guess what?
    I just like Janitor.
    And that’s all.

2 / The Cop and Dr. Smiley
    When we came in from recess, Mrs. was clapping her loud hands together again.
    “Boys and girls, please take your seats quickly! I’ve got a wonderful surprise for you!”
    Then I got very excited inside my stomach! Because surprises are my most favorite things in the whole world!
    “IS IT JELLY DOUGHNUTS?” I shouted.
    Mrs. put her finger to her lips. That means
be quiet
.
    “YEAH, ONLY GUESS WHAT? JELLY DOUGHNUTS ARE MY MOST FAVORITE KIND OF DOUGHNUTS! EXCEPT I ALSO LIKE THE CREAMY KIND. AND THE CHOCOLATE KIND! AND THE KIND WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES ON THE TOP!”
    After that, my mouth got very watering. And some drool fell on the table.
    I wiped it up with my sweater sleeve.
    Just then there was a knock on the door.
    Mrs. hurried to open it.
    “HEY! IT’S A COP!” I hollered very excited.
    The cop came into Room Nine.
    He had on a blue shirt with a shiny badge. And shiny black boots. And a shiny whitemotorcycle helmet.
    Mrs. smiled. “Boys and girls, I would like you to meet my friend, Officer Mike. Officer Mike is a policeman. Who can tell me what policemen do?”
    “I can!” I called out. “They rest people! ’Cause one time some cops rested a guy on my street. And so that means they made him take a nap, I think.”
    Just then that Jim I hate laughed very loud.
    “They didn’t
rest
him, stupid!” he hollered. “They
arrested
him! That means they took him to jail. And so your neighbor’s a dirty rotten jailbird!”
    Then the other kids laughed too. And so I hided my head.
    “Yeah, only I hardly even know the guy,” I said to just myself.
    After that, Officer Mike took off his shiny white helmet. And he told us some other stuff that cops do. Like give our dads speeding tickets. And rest drunk guys.
    Also he let us play with his handcuffs and his shiny white helmet. Except for the helmet was very too big for my head. And it covered my whole entire eyes.
    “HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” I said.

    ’Cause that was a funny joke, of course.
    Then another knock came at the door.
    This time it was a lady in a long white jacket. She was carrying a giant red toothbrush.
    “Boys and girls, this is Dr. Smiley,” said Mrs. “Dr. Smiley is a children’s dentist.”
    Dr. Smiley hung up some posters of teeth. Then she talked all about Mr. Tooth Decay. And she said to brush our teeth at night. And also in the morning.
    “Yeah, ’cause if you don’t brush in the morning, your breath smells like stink,” I said.
    After that I showed Dr. Smiley my wiggling tooth.
    “Losing baby teeth is exciting, isn’t it?” she asked.
    “Yes,” I said. “Except for I don’t like the part where you cry and spit blood.”
    Dr. Smiley made a sick face. Then she passed out minty green dental floss. And all the kids in Room Nine practiced flossing.
    Flossing is when you pull strings through your mouth.
    Only pretty soon an accident happened.
    That’s because a boy named William winded his floss too tight. And his teeth and head got in a tangled knot ball. And Dr. Smiley couldn’t undo him.
    Then Mrs. had to call Janitor speedy quick. And so he runned to Room Nine. And he shined his giant flashlight in William’s mouth.
    And then Dr. Smiley