Free Rock Me Gently by Judith Kelly Page A

looked blankly back at them all. Everywhere I turned there were faces that expressed the sheer golden, self-satisfied joy of good health: their hair shone, their colouring was rich and their teeth were strong. I was alone, separated from everyone by an aching void of loneliness, but I deserved it. I did not dare to look them in the eye. I did not want to contaminate, did not wish to find further evidence of my lack of worth. Everyone here is an adult, I thought, whereas I am merely in disguise. Probably they thought I was a weird frump, sort of like their high school teachers. It had been crazy to think I could fit in here. I was beginning to sweat. I felt as if I was at the dentist, mouth gawkily open while some stranger with a light and mirror gazed down my throat at something I couldn’t see.
    ‘Why don’t you say something?’ Evelyn demanded, ‘You do, after all, speak the Queen’s English, don’t you?’
    I looked down at my feet in their thick brown shoes and traced a pattern in the dusty red soil. Probably she’s out to get me now, I thought, and probably she’ll succeed. She thinks I insulted her, yet I never intentionally insulted anyone. I sometimes thought that I didn’t have to say a word to offend people, that my existence itself offended them.
    ‘Hey! Don’t pressure her, man!’ Rick said. And I breathed again as their attention shifted. Plates were passed around and food from the grill slapped on. Warm bagels and large ladlefuls of various kinds of salad were heaped on to my plate.
    Michael began to quietly strum The Beatles’ song ‘Yesterday’ on his guitar.
    ‘That’s gross, man, it’s giving me bad vibes,’ said Mark. ‘Don’t you know any Doors music?’ Michael thought for a moment and then plunged into a rousing rendition of ‘Light My Fire’.
    To my relief, they all began to talk to each other as though I didn’t exist. They were explaining their plans for the future, holding them up to each other like crystal treasures. They took it for granted they would always be useful and busy. They were versatile and thought they might do all sorts of things in the future. Archaeological digs, university, European travels, skills to be learnt, intellectual heights to be scaled. I felt envious of their belief in the future, and wondered at their confidence, the sort that planted trees for a hundred years ahead.
    ‘We’ll all be working our asses off every friggin’ day during the next six months,’ said Mark. ‘Morning, noon and night.’
    Rick shrugged. ‘No problem, man. I’ll work and study, I’ll never quit.’
    ‘Yeah, you’ll be perfect.’ Cydney gave a mocking nod, her eyes gleaming behind her round gold spectacles. ‘Hey, you guys, I was rapping with Lorna and she told me that we’re never to venture into the Carmel Hills without an armed soldier.’
    I cleared my throat. ‘Why?’
    ‘Because there’s an Arab terrorist group based in a village that overlooks the kibbutz.’
    Mark yawned. ‘Well, I don’t hear any sounds of gunfire or explosions. Only the crickets and the flies.’
    I felt my skin prickle and the familiar rolling pressure of panic building inside me. I didn’t operate on the same frequency as these people. Dimly, I noticed Cydney staring at me with concern. I hunched my shoulders, half turning away. I wanted nothing from anyone but indifference. It was easier to handle; I was used to it. Indifference, or something more definite, like the strong waves of unfriendliness I could feel coming towards me from some of the group. They obviously didn’t like me. Why? We hardly knew each other.
    ‘Hey Jude, more food?’ said Cydney, ‘You look like you need building up.’
    ‘No, thanks, I’ve had quantum sufficio,’ I said, hoping to raise another laugh. ‘Any more and I shall bust.’
    But no one even looked at me, and the two girls, Evelyn and Nadine, exchanged a grimace. Even if it had been funny, they still wouldn’t have laughed. What was the