Free Mr Mulliner Speaking by P. G. Wodehouse

floor, but in the highly nervous state of mind into which he had been plunged by recent events it nearly deafened him. With one noiseless, agile spring, remarkable in one of his waist-measurement, he dived for shelter behind the arm-chair.
     
A long moment passed. At first he thought that all was well. The sleeper had apparently not wakened. Then there was a gurgle, a heavy body sat up, and a large hand passed within an inch of Cedric's head and pressed the bell in the wall. And presently the door opened and a parlourmaid entered.
     
'Jane,' said the man in the chair.
     
'Sir?'
     
'Something woke me up.'
     
'Yes, sir?'
     
'I got the impression . . . Jane!'
     
'Sir?'
     
'What is that top hat doing on the floor?'
     
'Top hat, sir?'
     
'Yes, top hat. This is a nice thing,' said the man, speaking querulously. 'I compose myself for a refreshing sleep, and almost before I can close my eyes the room becomes full of top hats. I come in here for a quiet rest, and without the slightest warning I find myself knee-deep in top hats. Why the top hat, Jane? I demand a categorical answer.'
     
'Perhaps Miss Myrtle put it there, sir.'
     
'Why would Miss Myrtle strew top hats about the place?'
     
'Yes, sir.'
     
'What do you mean, Yes, sir?'
     
'No, sir.'
     
'Very well. Another time, think before you speak. Remove the hat, Jane, and see to it that I am not disturbed again. It is imperative that I get my afternoon's rest.'
     
'Miss Myrtle said that you were to weed the front garden, sir.'
     
'I am aware of the fact, Jane,' said the man with dignity. 'In due course I shall proceed to the front garden and start weeding. But first I must have my afternoon's rest. This is a Sunday in June. The birds are sleeping in the trees. Master Willie is sleeping in his room, as ordered by the doctor. I, too, intend to sleep. Leave me, Jane, taking the top hat with you.'
     
The door closed. The man sank back in his chair with a satisfied grunt, and presently he had begun to snore again.
     
 
     
Cedric did not act hastily. Bitter experience was teaching him the caution which Boy Scouts learn in the cradle. For perhaps a quarter of an hour he remained where he was, crouching in his hiding place. Then the snoring rose in a crescendo. It had now become like something out of Wagner, and it seemed to Cedric that the moment had arrived when action could safely be taken. He removed his left boot and, creeping softly from his lair, seized one of the black boots and put it on. It was a nice fit, and for the first time something approaching contentment began to steal upon him. A minute more, one little minute, and all would be well.
     
This heartening thought had just crossed his mind when with an abruptness which caused his heart to loosen one of his front teeth the silence was again broken – this time by something that sounded like the Grand Fleet putting in a bit of gunnery-practice off the Nore. An instant later, he was back, quivering, in his niche behind the chair.
     
The sleeper sat up with a jerk.
     
'Save the women and children,' he said.
     
Then the hand came out and pressed the bell again.
     
'Jane!'
     
'Sir?'
     
'Jane, that beastly window-sash has got loose again. I never saw anything like the sashes in this house. A fly settles on them and down they come. Prop it up with a book or something.'
     
'Yes, sir.'
     
'And I'll tell you one thing, Jane, and you can quote me as having said so. Next time I want a quiet afternoon's rest, I shall go to a boiler-factory.'
     
The parlourmaid withdrew. The man heaved a sigh, and lowered himself into the chair again. And presently the room was echoing once more with the Ride of the Valkyries.
     
It was shortly after this that the bumps began on the ceiling.
     
They were good, hearty bumps. It sounded to Cedric as if a number of people with large feet were dancing Morris dances in the room above, and he chafed at the selfishness which could lead them to indulge in their pleasures at such a