Free What is Love? by Tessa Saks

Why is it so different now? Why can’t you see
I’m still the same person inside? Nothing has changed—except how I look.”
    “But you’re not,
Ellen. You’re not the same. Once when we were young, you were carefree and fun.
I felt alive being with you. Now I feel choked when I am with you, like I can’t
breathe until I’m away from you.”
    “Choked? What are
you talking about? I’m still that girl.”
    “No, not anymore.
You’ll never be that girl. It’s a shame really  … I miss her. Over the years, I’ve watched her slowly disappear. Now she’s
gone  … you can’t help that.” He
folded his arms across his chest. “Look at this trip. You spent more time
worrying about sitting next to that damn Mrs. Z than you did trying to be with
me.”
    “But she finally—”
    He raised his hands
in protest. “I’m just telling you what happens. You sit on the sidelines and
let opportunities for us to have fun slip away and can’t even see—”
    “But you can’t blame
me for—”
    Jonathan shook his
head. “It doesn’t matter anyway. You’ve changed and turned into someone I don’t
love.”
    “How can you say
that?” Ellen cried out. “You don’t know how I feel. You have no idea the pain
I’ve endured. You’ve never felt pain—”
    “I’m not trying to
hurt you—”
    “I’m the one who
should be upset at the changes. I’m the one who should stare at that big belly
of yours and your lack of virility, your coldness, and say that I don’t see you
anymore. I don’t see the man I fell in love with.” Ellen pointed toward him.
“Where did he go  … all those
years when I wondered who you were with? When I cried myself to sleep, longing
for you to touch me? When I missed your kisses? Where did you go?”
    “I  … Ellen—” Jonathan shifted his
weight.
    “You vanished and
left me alone. You abandoned me. That’s why I turned into this.”
    “I don’t think you
understand—”
    “But I still love
you. I always believed that deep down inside, you still love me. I still know
that in my heart, only you are too delusional to see it. You’re just—”
    “This is just like
you—turn the tables and make everything my fault.”
    “But it is your
fault. It’s always been your fault. You’re selfish to the core.”
    His face tightened.
He took a step closer.
    “No!” Ellen cried
and held her hand up to block him. “Now I know how cruel you are. You are
incapable of any kindness. I shouldn’t love you so much. Why do I? It’s stupid,
believing in something, trusting in someone. Do you enjoy hurting me? Is that
it?”
    “There’s just no
easy way to end a marriage.”
    “I’m not asking for
easy. I’m just asking for a chance to work together and try. Why is that so
wrong? After forty years, can’t we at least try?”
    Jonathan shook his
head. “I am trying.”
    “No, damn you!”
Ellen grabbed a water bottle from the side table and threw it across the room,
knocking the lamp off the front entrance table with a loud crash. “No!” she
cried. “You’re not! You aren’t trying at all. You’ve been sneaking around,
plotting and scheming this whole time. This trip has been a sham. I’ve been
trying, and you—you haven’t put in any effort at all.”
    Jonathan reached to
pick up the damaged lamp. “What do you want from me, I can’t—”
    “Counseling—leave
that stupid lamp—Jonathan, we need counseling.”
    “Honest to God,
Ellen, you don’t really think it would make any difference.”
    “Yes,” she cried
out. “Yes, I need it. I need someone to explain to you how I feel.”
    Jonathan looked
away. “I know how you feel, and I am sorry.”
    “You can’t
possibly.” She looked at him, waiting for him to turn around. “You don’t even
know how you feel. You think you’re in love.” She plumped the pillow beside
her. “Well, if it’s love, it can wait. If it is real love, it will still be
there after counseling. What do you have to lose by