Free F My Life by Maxime Valette Page A

and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML
    Today an airline lost my luggage when I was flying back from France. They had also lost my luggage when I flew
to
France. FML
    Today I hooked up with this man for the first time. He took off his shirt and I saw that he had a chest full of black hair. His name was shaved into it. FML
    Today a really hot guy walked into my office. Wanting to impress him, I picked up the phone and pretended to be making a huge business deal, talking loudly about big sums of money. I put the phone down and smiled seductively at him. He said, “Hi! I’m here to connect your phone lines.” FML
    Today I’m twenty, and I’m going bald. FML
    Today I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from hitting the wall. FML
    Today I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans, so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
    Today I decided to send my boyfriend a picture text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad. He sent a text back, saying, “You definitely take after your mom.” FML
    Today I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someone’s neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to walk across the stage, but her eyes were watering. She missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML
    Today I took a picture from afar for my photography course. The shot was of a random adorable couple kissing in the snow. Later, upon closer inspection, I realized that the guy was my boyfriend. FML
    Today I woke up to find my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word “CHEATER” written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me has the same car as I do. I’m a virgin. FML
    Today, while my four-year-old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, “Auntie, my pee-do is hard. Will it go away?” FML
    Today, as I was walking my friend’s dog around the neighborhood, I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was fine, but the dog ran into the street and was hit by a truck. FML

    Today my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him, “If you ignore something long enough, it won’t bother you anymore.” He replied, “I’ve ignored my herpes for a long time, but it still bothers me.” We’ve been having sex for three months. FML
    Today I woke up at 5:00 and studied for my 9:30 exam for four hours. When I left my dorm at 9:00, it was dark outside. It turned out that I had slept through the entire day and woken up at 5:00 p.m. FML
    Today, when I went to my car, I discovered an apologetic note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML
    Today my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess, I had had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into his stomach. It was the principal. FML
    Today I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked at it, there were five long gray hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML
    Today I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I had taken. I had lost them by being mugged on the way home from the shoot and having $10,000 worth of equipment stolen from me. FML
    Today I wanted to seduce my boyfriend, so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed. FML
    Today my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my eighteenth birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He had spelled my name wrong. FML
    Today I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks because I had spent a