Free F My Life by Maxime Valette Page B

night in the hospital. I’m allergic to vaginal lube. FML
    Today, while I was working at my cash register, a well-dressed man who was six foot three came in and ordered. After he ordered I asked why he was dressed so nicely. He responded, “I’m going to court for stalking pretty girls like you.” Our name tags have our full names. FML
    Today my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty, but I was thirsty, so I picked it up, thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke that is always left at the bottom. When I took a sip, I found that he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML
    Today I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I’m not supposed to have so I could tell him that I am pregnant. FML
    Today my grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. Apparently it had been written by a famous historical figure. She was going on about how important it was, that it was in such good condition, and that it was worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilled all over the letter. FML
    Today I dropped my $400 iPhone, which has survived toilets and six-foot falls, on a Walmart floor, shattering the screen. I did manage, however, to catch the $2 box of macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML
    Today I walked into my room to find that my mom had made my bed and done my laundry, for which I thanked her with a hug. I lay down on the bed, stretched out my arms, and realized that my vibrator was still under the pillow where I had left it. FML
    Today my first real date ended with the girl saying, “Thanks for dinner. I was hungry—and, oh, by the way, I’m a lesbian.” FML
    Today I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML
    Today, as I was texting with a girl I’ve been trying to hook up with, she complained about how crummy a day she was having. I told her that it couldn’t be as bad as she thought and she would probably get over it soon. Then she told me she had found out that her cousin had been murdered. FML
    Today I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, “Oh honey, don’t worry! This is my first time too!” FML
    Today the hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML
    Today I was presenting in PowerPoint. I plugged in the cord that connected my computer to the projector, forgetting what my boyfriend had set as my desktop picture the night before. I opened my laptop, and projected on the wall was a picture of me in the nude. I go to Catholic school. FML
    Today my girlfriend came up behind me and put her hands in my back pockets. I thought it was someone trying to take my wallet, so I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML
    Today I left my glasses at home. While walking to the bus stop, I saw the cutest girl on the block smiling and waving at me from her front yard. I happily waved back, smiling, and kept going. It turned out that she was crying and calling me over. Her dad had just had a heart attack. FML
    Today I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then realized that I had thrown my phone into the river and was standing there talking to the stick. FML
    Today I was volunteering at a nursing home, and I was calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises. I assumed she had won, and I started clapping. She fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I had applauded her death. FML

    Today, while I was working, my ex-girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She had broken up with me for another guy, so I can’t stand being in the same room with her. The manager hired her on the spot. I have to train her. FML
    Today a customer I’ve been