Free Caught in the Cogs Volume One by O. M. Grey Page B

like an abandonment, like silence for a few days or not returning phone calls or texts or just living around each other instead of really talking. When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable and hormonal, something as silly as my husband falling asleep while we’re watching a movie can stir up fears of abandonment, and this is after 12 years. Now I am quite confident my husband would not truly abandon me, as we are quite close; but fears are not rational. They are very irrational, but they are also very real to the person that has them.
     
    I know my intense fear of abandonment is irrational. It’s embarrassing, really; but it doesn’t change the fact that it is my greatest fear. It doesn’t change the panic that arises when that is triggered.
     
    Discover your SO’s deepest fears and share yours with them as well. This will create a deep bond of trust between you. Baring your soul to your beloved(s) is the most powerful way to create intimacy. You are showing them that you trust them not to mock you or laugh at you or think your fears are silly, because they are not silly. They are very real. There is no such thing as “it’s all in your head,” because to the one feeling those fears, that is their reality. When you embark on a romantic relationship, you take partial responsibility for your beloved’s heart. Don’t take that responsibility lightly.
     
    CREATE A SAFE SPACE
    You must create a space in which you and your SO feel safe to talk with each other without judgment. Your SO might hold their feelings inside because of their fears. This is a recipe for disaster. Feelings bottled up and pushed down fester there. The ultimate result of this practice is to wake up one morning next to a stranger or to hear the dreaded words “I’m leaving. This is over, and it has been over for me for a long time.” It sounds like it comes from nowhere, out of the blue; but it doesn’t. It has built up over weeks, months, or even years.
     
    Work at creating that safe space in which you and your SO can talk openly…
     
    COMMUNICATION IS KEY
    You must talk and talk and talk with your SO. It can never be too much, although that can also bring up insecurities and feelings of being “needy.” If your SO is showing signs of neediness, then it’s because they feel you pulling away and they are trying to hold on. You may not think you are pulling away, but they do. This is what’s important. Find the root of their fears and what you can do about it. It’s normally a very small daily loving gesture that will help them feel more secure until trust can be built or rebuilt. Remember, a lapse in that daily gesture, even for a few days, can bring up those fears all over again. Isn’t a few moments a day worth saving your special relationship?
     
    Learn how to not only say what you feel but ensure that your beloved heard what you really said and what you really meant. We all have emotional triggers stemming back from childhood. We all have insecurities, especially when it comes to romance because we feel particularly vulnerable in these situations. You may say “I need some time to think,” and you may mean you need a few hours to clear your head, but your SO might hear “I’m trying to get away from you.” Those aren’t the words you said, but those are the words they heard.
     
    Take extra care to ensure that what you said is actually what they heard. The same goes for you. If your SO says something that activates an emotional trigger, and you will know because it will hurt or make your angry or some other strong emotion, then say that. “When you said _____, I heard _____. Is this what you meant?”
     
    Allow them to clarify. And then you clarify what you’re feeling/thinking as well. Leave anger out of it. This is a loving, safe space, and anger has no place here. If you or your SO feels angry, remember that anger is a reaction of fear. Find that fear and soothe it.
     
    As you’re rebuilding a relationship, take the