Free Caught in the Cogs Volume One by O. M. Grey

fear.
    Expect tears.
    This is not an easy subject to broach; however, if it is something you feel is for you, then it has to be discussed. If you find yourself cheating, wanting to cheat, trying to cheat, or just truly unfulfilled, then you owe it to yourself and your spouse to come clean and bridge the ever-widening gap that’s growing between you.
    If approached lovingly and consciously, there is no reason why there should be tears or the rest, but expect them anyway. Expect the worst and be prepared to deal with it. It will likely bring up a lot of your SO’s own abandonment fears, and they are valid fears! It will likely bring up jealousy and possibly even rage. These, too, are valid emotions that are not to be dismissed. They must be worked through.
    Do not get defensive.
    Do not get angry.
    Do not get accusatory.
    Be calm. Be loving. Be reassuring. Be gentle.
    Start by creating a space where you and your SO can talk without interruptions.
    There are many ways to start. For example, if this is your or your spouses 2nd or 3rd marriage, and the previous ones ended because of infidelity, that is a perfect place to start: your fears of failing at marriage.
    “I know things ended badly with <1st spouse’s name>, and I don’t want to see that happen to us. I love you more than anything, and I want to be closer to you. I want to be able to say anything to you without fear of judgment or abandonment, and I want you to be able to say anything to me. So many marriages end in divorce because of infidelity, and every time I hear another story, I hear things like ‘it just happened’ or ‘one day everything was fine, the next it wasn’t.’ I just want to be proactive about this, and instead of being in denial and saying that it can’t happen to us, I want to take steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen to us.”
    If you know someone whose marriage has recently ended because of this, or you know someone having an affair, this is also a great way of starting that conversation.
    If you have had a recent scare with illness or an accident in your family, either you, your SO, or one of your children, refer to that and express your fears about losing your family or doing something to screw things up. Emphasize that you need to be able to talk with your SO and be open so as things don’t fester inside.
    Another possibility:
    “Lately I feel like we’ve been growing apart, and I don’t want that to happen. You mean everything to me, and I want us to be close again. I want you to tell me something very scary to you, and no matter what it is, I promise to listen without judgment. Because I’m committed to making this work between us, so you can tell me anything without fear. Then, I will tell you something, and I hope you will listen without judgment, too.”
    If you mention the fact that you’ve been attracted to another, or if they do, then you take that in stride. If you feel angry or sad or hurt or scared, then say that instead of acting out.
    Do not say: “How dare you! How can you do this to me?”
    Say: “I feel hurt by what you just said, and I don’t really understand. Could you please explain it further?”
    If they say to you: “How dare you! You want to fuck this other wo/man! After all I’ve done for you!”
    Don’t react in anger back. Hold them, if they’ll let you, and reassure them that you are not leaving them. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to act on these thoughts, but you wanted to express them in order to diffuse them, in order to be open and honest because you respect them.
    Say: “I hear that you are hurt, and it is very understandable as this must be shocking. Just know that I love you. You are my world. You are my wife/husband, and I would never cheat on you. But those feelings/urges (whatever) are there, and I want to be open with you about them.”
    The goal here is to communicate fully. To know each other completely.
    Stay away from accusatory language like “you did this,” and