Free Black Heart Blue by Louisa Reid

I’ll do better. Please.’
    For the first time I met her eye. She gazed levelly back.
    ‘What exactly is wrong with you, Rebecca?’
    Her voice was soft and I understood at once what she was asking. She wanted to know all the gory details, to be let in on the secrets of my family and my face; for some reason she thought the fact that she was my teacher gave her the right to stare at me like I was an exhibit in a freak show. I picked up my bag, swallowing everything I wanted to say and had been waiting to say for years. Turning to go, I paused.
    ‘There’s nothing wrong with me, Miss. Nothing.’
    So that was Friday and I did not want to go back to that place again, not ever. Hephzi keeps telling me to act normal, to put on some lip gloss and to try to be nice. She reckons I need to get over myself and that all my problems are in my head. Well, she’s changed her tune, because that’s not what she used to think. When she was alive she would nudge me and whisper, ‘They’re staring at you,’ or, ‘Stand over there, pretend we don’t know each other.’ She knew what it meant to be me, she just didn’t feel it like I did and like I always will.
    I didn’t think anything could get worse after that. I was sure I’d reached the lowest point possible and when I got back to the vicarage all I wanted was to crawl upstairs and sink into forgetfulness. But they were waiting for me again. His face was ghastly and The Mother bobbed there at his shoulder, flushed with anticipation. For a second I didn’t understand, I couldn’t think what it could be, and then I saw what he held in his hand. A glossy brochure, sheets of typed paper. I glimpsed my name on the large white envelope. He had the proof, there would be no need for a trial.

Hephzi
    Before
    By Friday Craig still hasn’t added me on Facebook and I feel rubbish. I’ve got my period too and a massive spot on my chin. No way am I going to risk going to the pub tonight. Daisy told me I could sleep over at hers but I told her no, said we were going away.
    ‘How can you be going away? Doesn’t your dad have to do all his vicar stuff at weekends?’
    ‘Oh yeah, he does. But me and Mum and Rebecca are going to our gran’s.’ See, I told you I could lie.
    ‘OK. Your loss. See ya Monday.’
    She flounces off and I jog to catch up with Rebecca and we walk home together for the first time in ages. I think about my lie to Daisy.
    ‘Hey, Reb, remember when we used to go to Granny’s?’
    She nods. She hates talking about it.
    ‘Why’d they stop us?’
    Rebecca looks at me like I’ve just asked her the colour of grass or whether the world is really round.
    ‘He hated her.’
    ‘Yeah, but why though? What did she ever do?’
    ‘Hephzi, don’t be thick. She took us out for ice cream. She bought you a bra. She told us not to believe his lies. He couldn’t stand it. And he thought she’d tell someone what he did to us, he knew it was only a matter of time.’
    ‘I miss her.’
    ‘Me too.’
    It’s raining and our jackets aren’t up to the weather so by the time we get back we’re both soaked. I go straight upstairs and lie on my bed, my stomach cramping and my wet hair plastered in soggy strands around my neck. Rebecca comes in and offers me a cup of tea. I shake my head.
    ‘You should take your wet jacket off. And your jeans.’
    She’s right. The heavy denim is claggy round my thighs. But I shake my head again.
    ‘What’s the matter?’
    I bury my head in the mattress and eventually she goes away and sits on her own bed, humming and muttering. I scream into the blankets, wondering if I’ll ever be able to stop.
    Before we started college I always used to just lie in bed when I had my period. Mother won’t buy us sanitary towels so I’d stuff my knickers full of toilet roll, itchy cheap stuff, and just lie there until I felt better. It’d usually be a few days. All day today I’ve sat in lessons with my pants stuffed with loo roll praying that it