Free How to Get Ahead in Television by Sophie Cousens

Penfold?’
    â€˜Well, at least you’re not calling me Pam any more.’
    â€˜Touché,’ he laughed.
    â€˜So how come you’re up here? Are you producing this too?’ I asked.
    â€˜This show was my idea, Penfold. Didn’t want to produce it myself, nightmare to make, just here to check Shannon’s not screwing up my format.’
    â€˜I heard that, JR,’ said Shannon without turning around.
    JR walked past me and sat down next to her.
    â€˜Can I get you a coffee, James?’ I asked.
    He turned to look at me again.
    â€˜Shannon, I hope you’re not wasting Penfold here on coffee-making. She’s very well-informed, you know; she has an extensive knowledge of politics in the Middle East.’
    I blushed. Shannon didn’t look up from her script.
    â€˜A skinny latte please, Penfold,’ JR said, smiling at me.
    â€˜Oh, ha ha, I’ve already fallen for that one,’ I said.
    â€˜What?’
    I looked at JR, then Shannon. This was obviously some kind of joke they play on all the new runners.
    â€˜You know, where you give me a super-ponce coffee order and I look like an idiot in front of the Scottish van man.’
    JR looked at me blankly. ‘Super-ponce coffee order, is it? Well, you’ve certainly put me in my place!’
    Oh dear, maybe I’d read this wrong.
    â€˜Oh no, no, it wasn’t ponce really.’ I blushed. ‘It’s just the van man says he just does black or white, sugar or nae sugar. There aren’t a lot of options, I’m afraid.’
    â€˜Well, whatever you can muster up.’ JR looked at me strangely, our banterous little repartee well and truly over.

STEP 14 – ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL GO WRONG (ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS A CAMERA POINTED AT IT)
    FROM : RHIDIAN
    TO : POPPY
    This is a work in progress… just so we don’t lose track… ;)
RHIDIAN
POPPY
Winning JRs quiz + 1
Losing JR’s quiz (pretty horrifically) -1
Getting to Scotland without killing anyone +1
Almost killing Valerie Decouz -1
    T HE SHOW WAS a disaster. Two of the MacLeod clan were injured in an overly vicious caber toss and Shannon went crazy about the new tartan shorts in the high-wire game.
    â€˜WARDROBE! WHICH IMBECILE PUT THE CLANS IN THOSE RIDICULOUS OUTFITS!’ Shannon screamed down the radio waves to the production team on headsets. Leon’s voice piped up: ‘They wouldn’t wear underwear with their kilts, Shannon, it was our only option!’
    â€˜They look like… God, I don’t know what they look like; a cross between Groundskeeper Willy and some kind of special needs golf outing,’ Shannon wailed.
    Valerie also kept reading her lines at the speed of an elderly caterpillar, and no amount of cajoling would convince her to speak faster. The biggest crisis came in the gallery when the Channel Commissioner for Nations and Regions piped up halfway through the recording to say he had concerns that the whole show felt ‘just the wrong side of racist’.
    â€˜Racist?’ said JR, turning on the channel commissioner.
    â€˜Well, not racist exactly ,’ the commissioner backtracked, physically cowering beneath JR’s gaze. ‘It just feels quite stereotype-heavy, doesn’t it? It’s a cumulative concern. Things like “The Jock Jockey Game” – I’m just not sure they sit right with me.’
    â€˜Well, you could have mentioned that a few months ago,’ said JR angrily. ‘That game’s been in the format since day one. DAY ONE.’
    â€˜Well, I didn’t think it was a problem until I saw it happening, James. I’m just not sure how our Scottish viewers are going to respond to the look and feel of this.’
    Crisis meetings were held and I was sent to fetch Reg from the catering van so an unbiased Scot could weigh in on whether the show was coming across as racist. Reg didn’t really help matters, as no one could understand a