Free Hackers on Steroids by Oisín Sweeney Page A

had been civilly asked by the security staff to either turn the music off or to leave. When the clowns, then 44-year-old Mental Mal among their number, refused to stop playing the music, the security guards were forced to physically eject them. As this was happening the extremely emotionally unstable clowns broke down hysterically and began screaming things along the lines of: ‘FASCISTS!! NAZIS!! THESE MEN ARE CRIMINAL NAZIS!! YOUR GRANDDADS FOUGHT AGAINST PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!’ at the much bemused and equally amused security guards.
     
    When Malcolm got home from the battle he wrote about it on Youtube: ‘Was pretty surreal. Like ‘43 Nazi Germany. For sure man.’
     
    Well it is true that Hitler was notorious for having the SS remove from shopping centres mentalist buffoons intent on causing trouble. It was one of his most notorious war crimes.
     
    Needless to say, the first 15 minute Youtube video Mental made to expose this horror to the world in a bid to seek justice for it (‘WE DEMAND THIS SECURITY COMPANY HAS ITS LICENCE REVOKED IMMEDIATELY!’) became another instant classic of his. I especially love the warning he gives before the actual video footage itself begins: ‘The scenes you are about to see may shock you. This is not done intentionally.’
     
    Thanks for the warning, Mal, but I still get shocked every time I remember that you aren’t 10.
     
    And are instead 45. Yes, that’s right: He’s forty-fecking-five years of age.
     
    Four-tee-five.
     
    His second video was even better, making demands for a public inquiry as to the events of that day of infamy (‘the day that took the ‘Great’ out of Great Britain,’ according to Malfunction) and calling on the people of the UK to take part in mass campaigns of civil disobedience until the police were held to account for failing to stop this carnage. 
     
    Here!! Passes matches to the fail sat in his armchair talking, talking, talking. And talking. You sit there on the sidelines. Leave the heavy lifting to us.
     
    That was the message which grizzled insurgent Malcolm Blackman, fresh from the Battle of the Bullring Shopping Centre, gave to someone on Youtube who was slagging off the revolutionary actions of the Anons on that day. When I read that I was overcome with a powerful vision of Malfunction, his chin darkened with stubble from being too long in the trenches, his piercing, glowing eyes fearless and wide open and like lasers cutting holes right into the belly of the corporate beast, his Guy Fawkes mask pulled up over his face and sitting proudly like a beret atop his beautiful head as if placed there to crown him ‘Prince of the People.’ I thought then to myself: ‘That man deserves to be on a t-shirt.’
     
    And like a damaged Vietnam vet who can’t leave the horrors of the war behind him, Malcolm can’t forget about his time as a security guard and wherever he goes with Anonymous he wears his old work uniform, to which he has added the word ‘Peace’ across the front of the coat. It must be tough forgetting.
     
    But who are we to laugh at Malcolm and the battles he has fought? Who are we to laugh, man?! We weren’t there, man! We don’t know what it was like! We weren’t in the freaking jungle along with all the Anons, man - he was! He was fucking there, man, he saw this shit happening. Oh he’s saw some things all right. He’s looked the security guards of the Birmingham Bullring Shopping Centre right in their beady eyes, man - HE WAS THAT CLOSE! And he ain’t even scared to go back and do the same again. He ain’t even scared at all. WHO ARE WE TO LAUGH?!?
     
    He also made a video warning us that a meteor was going to strike Earth on 26th September 2011. Those monsters in the secret world government were keeping this news from us but luckily Mental Malcolm had found out and was giving us forewarning. All this from a leading member of Anonymous must have scared the meteor off and made it change course. Thanks for saving us