Free Semi-Tough by Dan Jenkins

thing.
    "But the white man came in and kicked the shit out of the blacks and the browns and the yellows and made the world a decent place that smelled better and had johns that flushed.
    "It was the white man who invented the electric light and the airplane and the television and the air conditioning and every other goddamn thing worth having.
    "If the white man had left it up to the black man or the brown man, we wouldn't have anything but a bunch of goddamn disease and lice and probably a hell of a lot of Communism.
    "Kids today ought to look at the white man and stop lookin' at niggers and spicks. That's where they find out about dope and screwing off.
    "If you don't mind me saying so, it's people like me — Big Ed Bookman — that made this country what it is. I employ about ten thousand people, one way or another, and I pay 'em good, too, as long as they work their ass off.
    "Hard work never hurt anybody. I've worked hard ever since my daddy found oil in Scogie County. I could have
    I list let our family fortune go to hell and played golf all the time, but I didn't. I only played part of the time, and there's not a goddamn thing wrong with recreation. It's American.
    "Let me give you an equation that affects today's kids. ()nc nigger plus one spick equals Communism and dope. It's all tied in together.
    "Uh, little lady, I'll have one of your sixteen-ounce I-bones, medium rare."
     
    I had to stop to answer the phone. It was Barbara Jane calling up to say that the place where they were at, something called the Macadamia Nut, had a comedian who was about as funny as a late night talk show and a singer who was at least as good as T.J. Lambert. She said they were leaving.
    I said for them to go on, and call me again. I was still writing.
    "I'm talking about your folks," I said.
    Barbara Jane said, "Oh, shit. Did you put in there that Big Barb's ancestors invented the spinning wheel and the hunting dog?"
    "And the hundred-dollar bill," I said.
    'Say, luv, this place is a wrap," she said. "We think we'll go take a look at a new club called the Ho Chi Minh Trail. It's right there on Rodeo where everything else is. You can't miss it."
    "Is it near the caviar joint?" I asked.
    "Right," said Barb. "A block down from Nicholas and Alexandra's Caviarteria, and across the street from that sandwich shop where the out-of-work actors hang out. Poopoo and Ricky's Suede Cadillac. You'll see it."
    "I'll find it," I said. "Sure sounds like a swell name for a club. You can expect a vertical assault from old Twenty-three within an hour or so."
    "O.K.," Barb said. "You write that old book now, boy. You write that old book real good and we'll get you some quail and some brown gravy and some biscuits. That ain't no bad way to start off the day, is it?"
    "Got to go now," I said. "Bye."
    "Billy Clyde Puckett, you get down off that roof!" Barb said.
    "See you in a while," I said.
    "You come in this house right now before I take a switch to you," Barb said.
    "Bye," I said.
    "Love, luv," she said, and hung up.
    By now you may have figured out that Barbara Jane Bookman has a bit of a satirical nature. She has always been able to make me laugh, just like Shake Tiller.
    In terms of growing up, I'd have to say that Barb was most likely the first smart-ass I ever knew. Before Shake, even.
    I could give you a fairly good example by telling about the time the three of us got expelled from Fuller Junior High.
    It happened because the three of us were in old lady Murcer's music class one day in the high seventh, and old lady Murcer had to leave the room for a while and she let Barbara Jane, her pet, preside over the class.
    Barb's job was to stan d up at old lady Murcer's desk a nd lead us in a few songs until old lady Murcer got back.
    Everything went along fine for a couple of songs, but I lien Shake Tiller held up his hand.
    "Yes, Marvin, what is it?" said Barb, snootily.
    Shake said, "Miz Bookman, I was wondering if we could sing something besides this