Free Raining In My Heart (Book One of the McKay's) by Rita Hestand Page B

came over her as when he took her for his own. A melting feeling , an uncontrollable feeling .
    " I didn't want you to feel responsible for what happened. Making love was all my fault. I'd planned to seduce Wade that whole day. And when someone told me he was in the tack room, well, I thought… well , you know what I thought. You look so much alike, and I didn't bother wheeling you around and looking for the scar above Wade 's hairline . When you reacted as if you loved me, I didn't bother checking an ID. I let it happen. I never realized 'til I walked out that next morning what I'd done. I should have. If I'd been thinking at all I would have known. Wade walked up to me, stared at me with those cold blue eyes and I knew . I couldn't hold my head up. I felt so cheap. I felt I' d used you. Wronged you. So I ran. When…when I realize d I was pregnant I was afraid to tell anyone, especially D ad ."
    "You didn't have to be afraid of anything. We could have straightened it all out back then, if you'd told me. Your father wasn't that unreasonable. "
    " Really, then why did he make the rule that no cowboy on his land would date a McKay ? I was scared witless, not just of your reaction, but D ad's too."
    "If it had been Wade 's you would have stayed and told them both, though, wouldn't you? "
    "No! That's not true , Cade. " Julie whirled around at him, her hands coming to his arms and holding him. " I had a lot of respect for you. So much so I refused to trap you into a marriage I was sure you didn't want , " Julie protested and turned away . Then as though she thought better of it, s he whirled about to stare into Cade's face. "That's not why. By the time I realized I was pregnant, things had changed, Cade . I had realized too that I didn't love Wade . But because I had planned it all, and had been so sure of myself, I blamed myself. I felt you were the innocent victim. I couldn't come home and tell you. I couldn't face my own shame. No telling what Dad might have done at the time. And I didn't want to cause you trouble. It shouldn' t have been your responsibility at all. I came on to you, that was my fault. I caused it all. I realized that soon enough. I was ashamed of my actions. I resolved that whatever happened from then on was my own fault, my responsibility. "
    " Good God, Julie , do you have to keep apologizing for the whole thing?" Cade sounded tortured. He shook his head . " M aking love is a responsibility. Even I know that. There can be consequences ; I knew that as well as you, maybe more than you did at the time. It wasn't a mistake totally. I wanted you Julie or it would have never happened. And I'd have married you without your father making me. "
    He turned away from h er and stared out the door . " I-I wanted you that night Julie and when you came so willing ly into my arms, I couldn't turn you away. I thought if we made love you'd begin to see me. But you never did, did you?"
    "Cade, I…"
    "Maybe I wasn't as smart as I thought, either. But… n ot any longer. I wanted you to see something besides my brother. I wanted you to see me. But—you never did, did you? Still, t hat's my little girl in there. You think I wouldn't have loved her? I'd have cherished her like a priceless piece of ar t. I'd have been proud to claim her. And I don't shirk my responsibilities either. You never got to know me enough to know that. I've worked my butt to the bone at this ranch, because I love it here. I've always loved this place. Me and Wade didn't have our parents long, and when I came here I was just a kid. Your dad gave me a chance. A chance I couldn't believe. But when we made love...well, if there were any mistakes that night, they were mine. I'd never leave here unless you found it unbearable to live around me .
    " I guess, in the long run, it will be up to you. Right now…it's raining in my heart , has been a while . You know why? For what I've missed with that little girl, and with you. That's how I feel, how I felt.