Free My Dating Disasters Diary by Liz Rettig

best
results. I've had it on for six hours now. And I've got the
yolk on my head. I read somewhere that egg yolk makes
a fantastic conditioner for blonde hair. The knickers are to
stop the egg white and yolk mixing. Don't want to be
covered in omelette.'
    We went into her room and Liz cleared a space on her
bed for us both to sit down. Close up, in the confined
space of her bedroom, the smell was awful. 'Are you sure
you used a fresh egg, Liz? You smell a bit like Terry
Docherty's stupid stink bombs.'
    'Oh God, do I? I never noticed. Got a bit of a cold
today.'
    Liz went off to shower, thank God, and I opened the
windows to let out the smell before I gagged. How could
she not have noticed? When she got back she looked a lot
better without the egg white and knickers. Smelled better
too.
     
    Two hours later and Liz was finally ready. She was wearing
her new skirt, tight black top, drop earrings and high
heels. She looked really old and could easily have passed
for eighteen. Well, sixteen anyway. Definitely.
    We crept quietly down the stairs and Liz was just
about to grab her jacket from the hall and scurry out with
a quick 'Bye, see you later,' when her dad came out of the
living room and spotted us. Or Liz anyway.
    'And just where do you think you're going dressed
like that? The red-light district? I know finances have
been a bit tight recently since those sodding insurers
didn't pay up, but your mother and I don't plan on sending
you out on the streets just yet. Now go back up those
stairs and put on some decent clothes.'
    Liz of course refused, which had her dad going all red
and ranting at her, so her mum came out to see what all
the fuss was about.
    Her dad turned to her mum. 'Would you look at the
sight of her dressed like a bloody prostitute!'
    Liz's mum shrugged. 'It's just the fashion. They all
look like that.'
    'All look like hoores?' spluttered her dad.
    'More or less,' Liz's mum replied calmly. 'When
they're dressed up anyway.' But then she frowned
suspiciously at Liz. 'I thought you were just going to
Kelly Ann's to watch a DVD tonight? Why are you all
tarted up?'
    Liz stared innocently back at her mum. 'I think it's, er,
important not to take friends for granted. Why shouldn't
I take the trouble to dress up for my best friend now and
then? It, um, shows respect for our long and, um, loyal
friendship.'
    Liz's mum raised her eyebrows in disbelief at this lame excuse
    but eventually Liz was allowed to go, along with a promise she would ring
    them later and a threat that one or both of her parents might ring her later.
     
    Everyone was out so I had the house to myself tonight.
Mum and Dad were at Aunt Kate's for 'dinner' (takeaway
curry with a bottle of Bacardi and eight pints of beer) so
they wouldn't be back until eleven at the earliest. They
say they are just five minutes away and I've to call if I
need them. Yeah, right. Like I need two drunk parents
stinking of onion bhajis rolling up. Had just settled down
to watch the football when the phone rang. Hoped it
wasn't Liz's parents checking up on her by calling her here
instead of on her mobile but it was Liz's mobile number.
Good. The match wasn't very interesting and I was dying
to hear how her date had gone. I snatched up the phone.
    'How did it go? Did you snog him ag—?'
    'I'm being held hostage, Kelly Ann,' Liz screamed. 'I
need thirty-six pounds or they won't let me go.'
    'Peter's holding you hostage?' I asked, totally
gobsmacked. Maybe Liz's parents were right and he was
a really bad person. But then I couldn't see Liz putting up
with this.
    'No, you idiot. The restaurant staff.' Liz was nearly
sobbing with frustration and fury now. 'Tosser only paid
half the bill and I didn't have any money so he just left me
here.'
    Oh God, thirty-six pounds. How did Liz manage to eat
that much? Stupid question. Especially if she thought
Peter would pay.
    'I can't ask Mum or Dad,' Liz wailed. 'They don't
know I'm here and they'd go mental if they did.'
    'Don't worry,