Free The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 by Amanda Egan Page A

bonus.
     
    Late morning I had a call from Shergar to say that a lot of the mums had decided against coming tonight because they didn’t see “any value” in meeting new parents.
     
    “I mean we’re all frightfully busy, Libby and to be perfectly honest, a lot of the newbies are just so not PLU.  I’m frankly surprised at some of the riff-raff allowed into Manor House in the past year.”
     
    Once I’d got over the shock of her rudeness, I had to ask what she meant by ‘PLU’.
     
    “PLU, darling.  ‘People Like Us’ - but then I suppose, strictly speaking, being one of the nouveau, you’re not really, are you?”
     
    Bloody cheek!  Most of the mothers there are only loaded because they’re arm candy for the old gits they married - seems she chooses to forget that.
     
    Finished the conversation very quickly after that and fumed.
     
    I fumed so hard that I managed to clean all the bedrooms, do the vacuuming, scrub the kitchen and sort out the under-the-stairs cupboard.
     
    PLU!  ‘The ideal motivation to assist in tackling those boring household chores.’  They should bottle it.
     
    PM
     
    Back from school drinks and knackered.  Will have to recount the details tomorrow but once again am gob-smacked by the snotty attitude of some parents.
     
    Saturday 8 th November
     
    So, where do I begin?
     
    Fenella and I arrived early last night to set up the school hall ready for the arrival of … whoever decided to turn up.
     
    Mr Rooney popped his head around the door and asked if he could do anything to help.  We politely declined but Fenella had a few ideas of her own that she confided she wouldn’t mind him helping with.
     
    “Mmm, Lib, he really is quite a dream-boat, isn’t he?”
     
    Agreed that yes, he was rather cute but reminded her that we were both happily married women and she’s five months pregnant.
     
    “I know, I know.  I can hardly forget with a belly like this on me, can I?  Anyway I’m always hornier when I’m pregnant, so allow me my fantasies.”
     
    Patience arrived just at that moment to help and joined in the conversation.  “Don’t talk to me about being horny, I haven’t had a man in seven years!  My last one got me pregnant and it’s been a drought since then.  You’ve both already got men on tap so you’ll get no sympathy from me.”
     
    Which was exactly the moment I noticed Letchy skulking outside the hall door, ear-wigging every word.  I warned Patience with a gesture to the door and she added, in quite a loud stagey voice and with a wink, “Of course it’s all so much better, now I’m a lesbian.  Nothing like a bit of girl-on-girl action to satisfy the libido.”
     
    Once we were sure Letchy had moved on, and Fenella and I had stopping laughing, we told her that she’d probably chosen the worst possible thing to say.  Letchy would never leave her alone now - she’d added fuel to the dirty little perv’s rampant imagination.
     
    “Oh I wouldn’t worry about that.  I’m more than capable of dealing with the likes of him .  It just adds to the fun.  Let’s get them all thinking I’m a black, penniless, single mother lesbo.  I don’t give a shit!”
     
    Fenella added, “Perhaps you and I should be discovered having a snog in the broom cupboard?  Add a pregnant bisexual twist to the plot.”
     
    God, those two are incorrigible!  I can see it’s going to take me to keep them in check.
     
    Jenny arrived shortly afterwards, looking very waitress-like in a black skirt with white blouse and pinny.  “Evening, ladies.  Colin won’t be long, he’s just ironing a shirt.  God it’s been a pig of a day, get us a glass of vino.”
     
    We poured her a drink and she filled us in on ‘A Day in the Life as a School Secretary.’  Two mothers had refused to collect their sick children as it was “inconvenient” and Colin had been asked to move his car from the school forecourt by a mother who wanted to use the space