Free Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max, Maddox

“Beating him at Tetris is the only reason I even get up anymore. I’m not sure what keeps him going. Rugby, I guess. Or anger.”
    Tucker “You ready to start drinking?”
    SlingBlade “Whatever.”
    Tucker “What, am I interfering with your masturbation schedule? Is your 4pm jack-off session usually a good one?”
    He ignored me, as if that’s ever worked.
    Tucker “I’m curious. Do you hold the action figures in your off hand when you masturbate, or do you just stare at them from across the room?”
    SlingBlade “I masturbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.”
    Tucker “Come on, let’s get out of this shithole and go to a bar. Alcohol helps alleviate depression.”
    SlingBlade “Go away. I’m not going to a bar.”
    Tucker “Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don’t stop acting like such a bitch, someone’s gonna fuck that pussy on your face.”
    SlingBlade “Why don’t you go back to your regularly scheduled program of shame fucking retards and crying yourself to sleep, and leave me alone.”
    Tucker “Get up, you’re coming with me. There are sluts at the bar, but they aren’t going to wait for us all night. Early bird gets the worm.”
    SlingBlade “What if you’re the early worm?”
    Tucker “It means be the bird, not the worm, so then you get the worm.”
    SlingBlade “Worms are blind, brainless, dirt-eating shit tubes.”
    Tucker “You’re still coming with me.”
    We ended up at a pretty cool bar—hot girls everywhere, great vibe, everyone having fun. I go to the bar, and see this girl with an O’Doul’s. She was not just holding it—she was actively drinking it. Legitimately pouring the liquid from the bottle into her throat so she could then swallow it. I didn’t know people actually drank those things; I thought they were just for show.
    Tucker “Why would you drink a beer without alcohol? That’s like dating a woman without a vagina.”
    Girl “Do I know you? You think you can just come up to me and say ‘vagina’?”
    Tucker “Well, sorry Miss Manners. Maybe if your beer had some alcohol in it, you’d think that was funny. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk to the hot girls.”
    One girl charmed, rest of the bar to go.
    I eventually got two homely girls to come over and talk to us. I picked them because they seemed very nice, and since they weren’t great looking, I assumed they would be desperate to talk to us. What SlingBlade needed right now was some kind of affirmation. I should have known better than even to try.
    Girl1 “So what do you guys do?”
    SlingBlade “Oh, this is precisely what I needed, Tucker. More people who can judge and reject me.”
    Tucker “He’s a lawyer.”
    Girl2 “That’s a cool job.”
    SlingBlade “I’m a legal temp. I do document review in a windowless office in the basement. In my firm’s pecking order, I’m below the paralegals and secretaries.”
    Girl2 “It’s OK. We’ve all had crappy jobs.”
    SlingBlade “When I need a pep talk from a dim-witted receptionist, I’ll be sure to look you up.”
    Tucker “Don’t pay attention to him, ladies, he’s just in a bad mood.”
    Girl1 “Well, uh, what do you do?”
    Tucker “I’m an inventor.”
    Girl2 “That’s so cool. What things have you invented? Anything I would know?”
    SlingBlade [
dripping with sarcasm
] “Oh, this’ll be good.”
    Tucker “Not yet, but my big invention is coming out soon, I think it’s going to do really well.”
    Girl2 “Oh, what is it?”
    Girl1 “Is it cool?”
    Tucker “You know those cones that dogs have to wear around their necks after surgery to keep them from chewing the stitches?”
    Girl1 “Yeah, of course.”
    Tucker “Well, I invented one for babies.”
    Girl1 “For babies?”
    Tucker “Yep. It’s not for surgery, obviously, that would be ridiculous. It’s a party game.”
    Girl2 “A party game? What do you mean?”
    Tucker “You put it around the