Free Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry Page B

approves this plan, on the condition that the son be frozen at the same time so he can be revived in the future to explain everything to his dad. We wish.
    In other science news, archaeologists announce that they have discovered a skull that is believed to be more than six million years old. Tests show that the skull does, indeed, belong to Sen. Strom Thurmond.
    In political news, the U.S. House of Representatives votes to expel Rep. James Traficant (D -Sopranos ) after a House Ethics Committee investigation shows that the thing on his head is a diseased weasel that has eaten nearly 80 percent of his brain. The vote to expel him is 420 to 1, with the lone dissenting vote coming from…Iraq.
    Speaking of victims, Michael Jackson tells a New York rally that—we are not making this up—he has been oppressed by his record label. Concerned fans from around the world send donations of money, food, sequins, and facial implants.
    But a month of bad news ends on an upbeat note when rescuers break through to a collapsed Pennsylvania mine shaft and free nine miners who have been trapped 240 feet underground for more than three days. Also rescued are 157 lawyers who have burrowed down there to offer their services in the filing of lawsuits.
    Speaking of money, in…
    AUGUST
    â€¦financially strapped Brazil, in a cash-raising move considered by some experts in international law to be of questionable legality, announces that it has sold Uruguay to Paraguay for $200 million.
    On the domestic front, the economic news continues to be bad, with these alarming developments:
The Council of Business Economists releases a study concluding that the U.S. economy will continue to worsen “as long as AT&T keeps running those commercials with Carrot Top.”
Airline industry losses continue to mount, forcing America West, in a cost-cutting measure, to eliminate the cockpit minibar.
WorldCom executives admit to investigators that, in a clear deviation from accepted business accounting standards and practices, they heated their headquarters by burning money.
As the stock market plunges 1.2 million points, President Bush makes a speech urging Americans to “have faith in our economy,” adding: “Thank God that I, personally, am guaranteed a generous pension.”
    On a brighter note, the owners and players of Major League Baseball agree, in a heartwarming display of cooperation and concern for the National Pastime, to continue raking in money. Commissioner Bud Selig announces that, in an effort to win back the trust of disillusioned fans, “We’re going to fix it so Anaheim wins the Series.”
    Lionel Hampton is gone, but his vibes ring on.
    On the history front, divers seeking to recover the gun turret of the USS Monitor on the ocean floor off the coast of North Carolina discover surprising evidence that the Civil War gunship was sunk by…Iraq. The nation’s Color Code Security Status is raised to Peach (“Viewer Discretion Advised”).
    And speaking of fugitives: Martha Stewart, pursued by the Securities and Exchange Commission, flees to a remote area of Westport, Conn., and barricades herself inside a primitive cabin with only nine bathrooms. SEC agents surround the structure but are reluctant to attack, as Stewart is known to possess a set of very sharp paring knives and a military-grade glue gun. “She can’t hold out forever,” states one agent. “We believe she has only a three-day supply of fennel.”
    But things get even scarier in…
    SEPTEMBER
    â€¦when Florida, having learned nothing from history, attempts to hold another election. Everything goes smoothly, with virtually no problems reported—until the polls open. Then there is chaos, especially in Broward and Miami-Dade Counties, which are using new computerized voting machines. Election officials begin to suspect that the system might have been programmed incorrectly when, instead of reporting the vote