Free Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry Page A

and former French colony—in an exciting match that ends in a stunning upset win by…Iraq.
    Sam Snead finally reaches the 19th hole.
    And speaking of icons, in…
    JUNE
    â€¦Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II celebrates the fiftieth year of her reign at a star-studded gala concert featuring performances by Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton, and Ozzy Osbourne, who, in the dramatic highlight of the evening, bites the head off one of the Queen’s Welsh corgis.
    But the mood is not so jubilant in the Middle East, where, following a series of Palestinian attacks, Israeli tanks again surround the headquarters of Yasser Arafat and slowly press against it until it is the size of a twin bed. The crafty Arafat escapes again by claiming he has a dental appointment.
    Speaking of close calls: On June 14, a giant asteroid, discovered only three days earlier, passes within seventy-five thousand miles of the Earth. Congress immediately holds hearings, with the Democrats charging that the Bush administration should have known about it sooner and the Republicans noting that the asteroid had been heading this way during all eight years of the Clinton administration. The CIA acknowledges, under questioning, that at one point it was tracking the asteroid but lost the file. In the end, all parties agree that airport security needs to be tightened.
    In another alarming story, wildfires rage out of control in Colorado and several other western states, burning thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes. Investigators searching an area where one of the largest blazes originated find a Zippo lighter bearing a thumbprint belonging to…Iraq.
    The nation’s Color Code Security Status is quickly raised to Maroon (“Dark Brownish Red”).
    On Wall Street, the bad news continues. First, WorldCom announces that it has improperly accounted for $3.9 billion and has “at least six” movies seriously overdue for return to Blockbuster. Next, Xerox, under pressure from investigators, admits that its second-quarter profits were actually a copy of its first-quarter profits. Next, Martha Stewart is linked to a string of bank robberies. The stock market drops 11,600 points.
    Ann Landers dies but continues to dispense commonsense advice.
    In legal news, a Dayton, Ohio, jury, in a unanimous verdict, orders five cigarette companies to pay $128 billion to a sixty-seven-year-old man, despite the fact that the man (1) is not a smoker, (2) has not sued anybody, and (3) is in fact on trial for littering. The Association of Trial Lawyers of America hails this as “a major victory for our Porsche dealership.” In California, a federal appeals court rules that schools cannot compel American schoolchildren to say the Pledge of Allegiance, on the grounds that “allegiance” has too many syllables.
    And speaking of legal trouble, in…
    JULY
    â€¦two pilots scheduled to fly an America West plane from Miami to Phoenix are ordered from the cockpit at Miami International Airport and found to be drunk. The pilots aroused suspicions when they made a preflight announcement asking if any passenger “happens to have a corkscrew.”
    In international news, the United Nations Security Council, finally taking action against a scourge that has plagued humanity for decades, unanimously passes a resolution authorizing member nations to “feel free to shoot down the next bored billionaire who tries to fly around the world in a balloon.”
    In financial news, Congress, addressing the corporate accounting scandals, approves the death penalty for anybody convicted of exercising a stock option. As the market plunges 128,500 points, Federal Reserve Board chairman Alan Greenspan, in a move that fails to bolster investor confidence, announces that from now on he wants to be paid in gold.
    In sports, baseball immortal Ted Williams dies. His son says the body will be frozen so it can be revived in the future. A court