Free Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry

decision to grant a student visa to Osama bin Laden. This decisive action enables the Department of Homeland Insecurity to ratchet the nation’s Color Code Security Status all the way down to Mauve (“Calm But Tense”).
    Things are not so peaceful, however, in professional baseball, where a dispute between players and owners threatens to ruin the season and, with it, the social lives of thousands of fantasy baseball dweebs. At issue is what the players and owners can do to restore the goodwill and trust of pro baseball’s increasingly alienated fans.
    Ha-ha! No, really, the issue is how each side can snag the most possible money before the game goes completely into the toilet. The talks open on a tense note, as the owners’ charges of steroid abuse are met with vehement denials by players’ union representatives, who quickly reduce a large oak conference table to kindling.
    In cultural news, Oprah Winfrey announces that she is discontinuing her book club because she has run out of good titles to recommend to her audience, as evidenced by her final selection, Fifty Fun Celery Recipes.
    Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes hip-hops off the big stage.
    And speaking of the entertainment industry, in…
    MAY
    â€¦the big news is the release of the fifth installment in the Star Wars series, Star Wars II, which continues to express creator/director George Lucas’s artistic vision, summed up by the statement: “I don’t understand Roman numerals.” The movie seems to be an effort by Lucas to connect with younger audiences, as evidenced by the exciting action scene in which Anakin Skywalker battles the evil Count Dooku in a deadly high-stakes game of Quidditch.

    In other film news, al-Qaeda, apparently seeking to disprove reports that its leader is dead, releases its latest video, The Osama bin Laden Fugitive Workout. The Department of Homeland Insecurity decides to ratchet the nation’s Color Code Security Status up a notch to Key Lime (“Partly Cloudy”).
    In other War on Terrorism developments, the Federal Transportation Security Administration opposes a proposal to let airline pilots carry guns, the official reasoning being that, hey, what if terrorists got on the plane and in their struggle to kill the pilots so they could take control of the cockpit and fly the plane into a building and kill a lot more people a pilot fired his gun at them but missed? Somebody could get hurt!
    On the international front, President Bush and Russian president Vladimir Putin sign an arms reduction treaty under which the U.S. will destroy about two-thirds of its nuclear arsenal and Russia will “make every effort, within reason,” to try to find out who, exactly, HAS its nuclear arsenal.
    America observes Mother’s Day in traditional fashion, with an estimated 125 million families taking their moms to dinner at an estimated three restaurants.
    In economic news, Merrill Lynch agrees to pay a $100 million fine for luring naïve investors into buying stocks in risky Internet companies. The firm will raise this money by luring naïve investors into buying stocks in companies that have not yet tanked. The market responds by dropping 1,247 points.
    In South Florida, efforts to create a new artificial reef out of the decommissioned navy ship Spiegel Grove go awry when the 510-foot vessel, instead of sinking as planned, is elected lieutenant governor. It’s “back to the drawing board” for the state’s beleaguered elections officials.
    In entertainment news, the surprise hit TV “reality show” of the spring is India and Pakistan Threaten to Start a Nuclear War. But after a few weeks of waiting for something to happen, viewers become bored and go back to watching the perennial ratings favorite, Amateur Video of Police Officers Beating Up a Motorist.
    In sports action, the World Cup gets under way with defending champion France playing Senegal—a lowly underdog