Free quintessence. by Sarah Buhl Page B

love Hannah to pieces, but I think there’d be more tears with her and less laughs right now. I need laughs and you always bring them.”
    He put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in and kissing my head. “Of course I do. That’s my job—to be the comic relief when my Magistrate is down in the dumps. But I should make note of the fact you look less in the dumps than when you arrived at my house the other night.”
    “I am less in the dumps. I’m getting creative with my thoughts.”
    “That’s kind of frightening,” he said, furrowing his brow.
    “It’s not frightening. I’m just trying to figure out how to align my former self with this self,” I said as I danced my hand in the air across my body. The body that betrayed me.
    “Well, if I can be of any help, don’t hesitate,” he said, standing from the bed.
    I reached into my shirt to pull out a strand of hair that was tickling my shoulder. “Damn it, I can’t find this hair and it’s driving me nuts. You know when you have a hair stuck in a shirt and it feels like a spider crawling?” I asked, and he stared at me as if I had lost my mind. “Well, this is awful. This feeling is like a random hair is bugging me and it’s evasive and running from me. Then I itch because it makes me feel like I have things crawling on me.” I knew there wasn’t a hair and this was part of what had continued to happen with me. It was my body betraying me once more.
    He shrugged. “Hmm, that’s beyond me. My hair’s short, remember?” He ran his hand across the top of his head, creating an intentional messy look.
    “I’m just going to change this sweater, I think it makes it worse,” I said, as I took my sweater off and searched for a cotton tee shirt. Cotton felt better.
    My mom walked in the room. “Maggie! Why are you half naked in front of Gabe?” she asked.
    I looked at Gabe and laughed. “He doesn’t care, Mom.”
    “Well, I’m sure he doesn’t. Any man of his age would love to see a half-naked, beautiful, girl.”
    “Mrs. Presley—Rebecca. As beautiful as your daughter is—seeing her breasts is not something I long to see. They’re just there and do nothing for me,” he said with a laugh.
    “That’s rude, don’t you think? She’s already in an unsettling place and then to degrade her that way is just awful .” my mom said, infuriated.
    I laughed then. “Mom, you know Gabe is gay, right?”
    She looked at him and her jaw dropped. “No, I did not.”
    “Yep—it’s true,” he said with a shrug, and walked past her out of my room.
    “Everyone ready?” my dad asked, peeking around the door and putting his jacket on. “We don’t want to be late and I’m not sure how long it will take to get across town so I’d like to be early.”
    He was oblivious.
    __________
    “Do you want me to come in the room with you?” my mom asked. I shook my head, and then nodded.
    “Yes, I do.”
    “Okay,” she said as I put my ear buds in. I started up the song Karl’s CD started with, and I closed my eyes and turned the music up. I lifted my head to the ceiling and remembered what it felt like on the merry go round the other night.
    I focused and visualized how I would react no matter what they told me. I would get through it. I can do it.
    I can do it.
    I can make it into the present tense.
    Stop focusing on the future tense and the “will be’s” and the “somedays”.
    I laughed at the word Hannah, Lily and I had once used. I didn’t care about someday anymore. I just wanted to get through the next few minutes. I wanted to get through today.
    “Margaret Presley?”
    I rolled my eyes as Gabe laughed to himself. “Go be brave for me, Margaret .” He squeezed my hand and lifted a magazine from the rack next to him. He pulled his bottom lip in and I saw the tear form in his eye as he tried to ignore it. I ignored it, too.
    “I prefer Maggie,” I said, as I stepped closer to the woman who couldn’t be much older than me.
    “I’m sorry,