Free Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology by Cory O'Brien Page A

is like “Hey, Isis how would you like to escape this prison?”
    And Isis is like “I would like that a lot.”
    so Thoth is like “Boom. You got it.
    Here, have some scorpions.”
    And Isis is like “WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME SCORPIONS?”
    And Thoth is like “Chill out. These scorpions will guide you to safety.
    I’m the god of wisdom, okay? I’ve got this handled.”
    so Isis takes Horus, and they follow these seven scorpions for like a WEEK.
    No one has any ideas where they are going
    probably because the guides in this scenario are SCORPIONS.
    SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES, MY FRIENDS.
    THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE CRAP OUT YOU
    BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION.
    But after a lot of bullshit, Isis and the scorpions and Horus finally arrive in some town
    and Isis goes and knocks on the door of some rich chick’s house
    and the rich chick is like “Oh, why hello there HOLY SHIT SCORPIONS.
    NO NO NO NO NO.”
    But so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
    than this poor chick is like “Hey there.
    I see you have some scorpions.
    I’m so poor that I have even pawned my fear of death.
    Come crash at my hovel.”
    But then PLOT TWIST
    the scorpions all throw a fit about not being invited into the other house
    so they go inside and sting the crap out of the rich chick’s baby
    and she hears the baby crying and she is like “What’s that noise?
    I hope it’s not the sound of my baby getting stung by SCORPIONS.
    OH SHIT SCORPIONS.”
    And Isis hears all this commotion
    and she is like “SCORPIONS YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES.
    NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS.”
    So she runs up to where the baby is busy dying
    and she is like “Hey, poison, get out of that baby.”
    And the poison is like “Maaaan . . . fine.”
    and then Isis leaves, like “ANOTHER DAY SAVED
    THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS.”
    And then she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
    and she hides Horus in the mud, like “Okay, son
    I am going to bury you in marsh filth now
    among poisonous animals some of which I KNOW to be irritable scorpions
    so just try not to move around too much. I’m gonna go get burgers.”
    So Isis comes back later
    and she is like “Hey, Horus would you like some burgers?
    Hmm . . . you don’t seem to be moving at all or breathing or anything.
    Oh noooo.
    Set, did you turn into a snake and poison my baby?”
    And Set is like “Yup.”
    And Isis proceeds to scream the most heavy metal scream possible
    it is so metal that it STOPS THE SUN
    or more accurately, THE SUNBOAT.
    And Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
    and it stops all of a sudden
    with one of those record scratch noises you hear in bad teen movies
    and everyone is like “Whaaaat?
    Thoth, go find out what Isis is angry about.”
    so Thoth goes down there like “Woman, I hooked you up with scorpions and everything. What now?”
    and Isis is like “Look, I know you are itching to get your bone on in the backseat of the sunboat
    but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick?”
    and Thoth is like “Oh yeah, no problem. Done.
    By the way, how were those scorpions? Pretty sweet, right?”
    and Isis is like “They were a pack of angry scorpions
    that you gave to a single mother with a child.”
    Anyway Horus is alive now
    but he and Isis still have to hide out in the marshes 
    while his balls gather sufficient mass to allow him to murder Set.
    So basically the moral of the story
    is that scorpions are only good for one thing
    and that one thing is rad tattoos.

H ORUS J ERKS O FF IN S ET ’ S S ALAD
    So Horus grows up
    and Isis is like “Hey, son, remember that asshole Set? The one who you are destined to ruin?”
    and Horus is like “I mean you never stop talking about him
    and also he turned into a snake and poisoned me to death when I was a baby.
    That tends to make people pretty memorable when they do stuff like