Free Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology by Cory O'Brien

right I made this coffin.
    Whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy.”
    And of course, all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
    so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
    and they all fail
    but then it’s Osiris’s turn
    and Osiris is like “I dunno, guys this seems like a transparent ruse.”
    but then he gets in the coffin anyway
    and it slams shut and locks
    and Set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
    and everyone is like “Whoa, major coffin-party foul.”
    and Set is like “So I get to be king now, right?”
    AND HE DOES.
    So naturally Osiris’s wife Isis decides to go find him
    so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
    and she finds out that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
    (which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
    and gotten absorbed by an oak tree
    which got cut down
    and used to build a support pillar
    in a palace
    for the king of Byblos.
    Shiiiit.
    So Isis shows up in Byblos like “Hey queen
    my husband is embedded in your palace
    may I please extract him?”
    And the queen is like “Sure, go ahead.
    It’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything, right?”
    and Isis is like “Haha, sucker.”
    And she goes and removes the pillar
    WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
    thus inventing Jenga.
    Except instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
    Isis takes out Osiris’s body and drags it back to Egypt
    and buries it in the desert
    so he can finally rest in peace
    apparently forgetting that Set is the GOD OF THE DESERT.
    So Set very quickly sniffs out Osiris’s grave
    and is like “Hmm I haven’t fucked with this guy enough.
    How about I tear him into fourteen pieces
    and then EAT HIS DICK.”
    So that is what he does
    and he chucks the other thirteen pieces all the fuck everywhere
    and then Isis is like “What is that noise?
    It better not be my husband getting ripped up and thrown everywhere.”
    BUT IT IS TOO LATE
    IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
    and Isis finds out and she is like “Seriously? I just buried this guy.
    Now I gotta go find all these body parts and bury them AGAIN
    even though Set will prolly just find them again and rip them into SMALLER pieces.”
    Anyway, she manages to find all the pieces
    (which have turned into full moons by the way)
    except for his dick
    because like I said
    SET ATE IT
    so Isis is like “Maaaan
    Osiris’s dick was like the most important part of his personality”
    so what she does
    is she makes a GOLD COCK
    and she hangs it around her neck
    and BAM
    Osiris is alive again
    with a golden dong
    thus laying the groundwork for Mike Myers’s cinematic triumph,
Goldmember
    and also getting Isis pregnant with Horus
    because I guess that dick necklace was more potent than she bargained for.
    So ladies
    I guess the moral of the story is
    don’t wear a cock around your neck
    because unplanned pregnancy is the WORST accessory.

T HOTH I S J UST G IVING O UT S CORPIONS
    So Osiris is back in action and his dick is more blinged out than ever
    BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
    because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected
    ISIS GIVES BIRTH TO THIS DUDE NAMED HORUS.
    Actually, that is not the bad part
    because Horus is a pretty cool dude, honestly.
    No, see, the bad part
    is that seeing as Set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
    just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
    all signs point toward he is going to murder the CRAP out of this baby
    especially since Horus is totally fated to murder Set if he ever gets old enough.
    So Isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
    but then one day, Set is like “HEY, ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL.”
    and Isis is like “SPINNING MILL, HOORAY.”
    And then Set is like “Oh, did I say spinning mill?
    I meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER
    I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
    JUST KIDDING, TOTALLY NOT SORRY.”
    So Isis is understandably upset about this
    and so is this super-wise dude named Thoth
    so he comes down and