Free Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology by Cory O'Brien Page B

that.”
    and Isis is like “Well, why haven’t you killed him yet?”
    and Horus is like “JEEZ, MOM, FINE GET OFF MY BACK.
    HEY, SET, I’M ’BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY.”
    So Set shows up like “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T.”
    And Horus is like “HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND. LET ME STAB YOUR FACE.”
    And Isis is like “OH SHIT, STOP. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT SET IS MY
    BROTHER.”
    and Horus tries to break her legs
    but then she stabs him
    and Set gets away
    and Horus is like “Wow, Mom.
    Seriously?”
    But Isis heals him later so it’s fine.
    Wait, what am I talking about
    shit is so un-fine you could coat sandpaper with it and then use it to shave off a goat’s face.
    Because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how to screw over Horus
    and finally he’s like “I KNOW
    I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem.
    HEY, HORUS, WANNA HAVE SEX?
    And Horus is like “Well, normally I would say no
    but today I am an idiot, so okay.”
    and they have a bunch of sweaty sex
    but then right at the crucial moment
    Horus uses his lightning reflexes to parry Set’s manbatter
    because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt.
    So then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie
    and he’s like “Eww, what am I going to do with this?
    I KNOW, I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER.”
    and thus invents hand washing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY
    so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over SET
    and he’s like “Hmm . . .
    Apparently the name of the game
    is ‘get your semen inside of the other guy’s body.’
    I don’t make the rules
    I just make the jizz.
    Let’s make this happen.”
    So he sneaks into Set’s house and jerks off in his salad
    and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like “HAHA YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE.”
    Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue?
    Anyway, Set is like “BULLSHIT.
    LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS
    AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY
    IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY.”
    So they call together the other gods
    and Set is like “Guys
    I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt.
    That means I’m better than him, right?
    and Horus is like “You didn’t jizz in my butt. What are you talking about?
    Go ahead and call for your sperm.
    See where they’re at.”
    Yeah, apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm.
    Talk about being a devoted father.
    Anyway, Set is like “FINE.
    OHHH SPERRMMMM. WHERE AAARE YOUUUU?”
    And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN THE RIVER.”
    and Set is like “Dammit, Horus
    Did you block my cock?”
    and Horus is like “That is in fact exactly what I did.
    Now hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick.”
    And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN SET’S STOMACH.”
    And Set is like “NOOOO.”
    And everyone else is like “Wow.
    This is astonishingly stupid
    how about we settle this pissing contest with a
reasonable
competition
    like a boat race
    except the boats are made of stone.
    THAT’S PERFECT THAT’S NOT STUPID AT ALL.”
    So Set and Horus get their boats ready
    but Horus has a secret
    which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
    it’s just painted to look like stone
    which raises a couple of questions:
    First of all
    why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone?
    And second of all
    since they didn’t
    WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
    DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
    I mean, maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
    in which case I understand
    either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
    but we’re talking about the god of storms, chaos, and evil
    who has been known to do things like eat the balls of his enemies
    and then try to kill their babies
    and then when their babies grow up
    try to have buttsex with the very same babies
    so I feel like honesty is not top of his priority list.
    But anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks
    and Horus wins
    and as a result he gets to