Free Ghouls Just Want to Have Fun by Kathleen Bacus Page A

The nose's point. The nose is the point. You can't be a decent witch without a pointy, warty nose."
    "Is that, like, written down somewhere? Witch rules or something?" I asked. " 'Cause I'm thinkin' I'm more of a Bewitched -type witch as opposed to a cackling, scare-your-pants-off, smoke-and-sulphur witch. Don't you agree?" I turned in Van Helsing's direction for some support. "Help me out here, Joe."
    He hesitated. "I do have an extra costume I threw in, just in case Rick here balked at the pirate one. You're welcome to wear it."
    "Thank you, Joe!" I gushed, thinking that it was a safe bet Joe's other costume embodied someone dashing and courageous. "So what is it?" I asked. "Superman? RoboCop? Spider-man? Or your personal favorite, The Green Hornet?
    Joe held up what looked like a plaid skirt. "William Wallace from Brrravehearrrrt, " he said, sounding like a rrrreally rrrrotten Sean Connery.
    I thought about the kilt and the no-underwear thing, then grabbed the warty green nose from my grandma and stuck it on, securing it in place with the elastic band.
    "For the record, I coulda bade a bitchin' Sapantha," I said, the witch nose pinching off my nostrils and making me sound like I had a snot wad the size of a Ping-Pong ball plugging up my nostrils. I shoved the witch's pointy hat back on my head and tossed a long length of gray hair over one shoulder in one of those Cher moves. "Just bitchin'," I said.
    "There's always William, lassie," Joe said, holding up the plaid.
    I shook my head. Great choice. An old hag or a dude who lost his entrails, along with his head. Decisions, decisions.
    "I'll stick with old witchie-poo here," I said. "I find I'm suddenly in the mood to cast a few spells. So, where's my magic wand anyway?" I asked. What self-respecting witch would be without her wand?
    My grandma pulled out a hot-pink wand, complete with bright-colored sequins and shiny beads. I made a face.
    "What is that? You mug Richard Simmons or something?"
    Gram sniffed. "I misplaced the witch's wand. This was the only one I could find. It belonged to my tooth fairy costume. Damn. Why didn't I think to bring that? You'd have made a bitchin' tooth fairy, too, Tressa, but I was in a hurry and the Wicked Witch was the first costume I came to in the closet."
    The warty green schnozz was looking better all the time. And believe me, from where I stood, it was a wonder I could see anything else. The wart was the size of the gum balls we stock in the giant machine at the front of Bargain City. "I guess I'll pass on the wand," I said. "I need to keep my hands free."
    "What for?" Townsend asked. "To strangle Morticia there?" He motioned at my gramma.
    I sighed. "Not an option, Hook," I replied. "She's already dead. Remember?" I frowned. "Or is that undead?" I scratched my head beneath the wig, which was already beginning to make my scalp itch. "Uh, you wouldn't be interested in trading costumes, would you, Townsend?" I asked. "After all, my Paw-Paw Will didn't think it was beneath him to dress up as the Wicked Witch of the West. So, what do you say?"
    Townsend gave me a decidedly roguish grin. "Arrrh, matey, but methinks me makes a bitchin' Jack Sparrow, so I'll be turnin' down your gen'rous offer."
    Crap.
    "Townsend," I said.
    "Yeah?"
    "Your parrot is molting," I said and stomped away, wishing for those damned ruby slippers so that I could click my heels together three times and wake up in a more amusing locale.
    Like Sheboygan.

CHAPTER FIVE
    I'd sashayed around the yellow brick dance floor of the senior citizens' center with the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Jolly Green Giant and two Elvises. One Elvis wannabe, obviously patterned after Elvis's beefier days, kept gasping and flinching when the collection of chains around his neck caught on the not-inconsiderable chest hair covering a torso that could have benefited greatly from a bottle of Nair. And a support bra.
    Due to my exertions on the dance floor--plus the fact that the hairy Elvis had