Free e Squared by Matt Beaumont Page A

Finland attending Dr. P. Van Helden’s workshop, Ice Fishing: The Path to Environmentally Sound Management. I will return on Monday 12th January. If you have an urgent request, don’t hesitate to contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on [email protected]

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    From: Paula Sterling
    To: Milton Keane
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.39
    Subject: Meeting
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    Dear Mr. Keane
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    I am writing to confirm your meeting with Janice Crutton here at Bancroft Brooks at 10.00 a.m. on Monday 12th January 2009. If you have any questions in advance, please do not hesitate to contact me.
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    Yours sincerely,
    Paula Sterling
Assistant to Janice Crutton
Bancroft Brooks & Partners
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    From: Bill Geddes
    To: Donald Gold
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.44
    Subject: straitjackets all round
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    What is it with the Creative Department in this place? Liam—the only one with any sense—has turned evil and the rest of them are plain unfathomable. I went to see Zlatan and Adrijana (with my handy Serbian phrasebook) to check how they’re getting on with my Kwik Fit brief. “We nearly finish,” Zlatan grunts and points at a heap of junk on the floor. Turns out they’re working on an “installation” involving 5,000 teaspoons, 200 cinder blocks and lots of sticky-backed plastic (at least I think that’s what Adrijana meant by “lodsa stiggybagplaztig”). And as they’re telling me this I have to listen to Yossi down the corridor refashion “Yes We Have No Bananas” as a trance anthem.
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    All I want is a half-page black-and-white for a tire and exhaust sale. I give up.
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    From: Donald Gold
    To: Bill Geddes
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.51
    Subject: Re: straitjackets all round
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    You and me both. Harvey Harvey just told me he can’t look at Bassetts Allsorts before Wednesday at the earliest because he has 962 e-mails to answer. Why does TB hire these people? Does he have to fulfill some freak quota?
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    From: Bill Geddes
    To: Donald Gold
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.55
    Subject: Re: straitjackets all round
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    TB told me Double H is the finest lateral thinker he’s ever met. Which is just a fancy term for fucked up.
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    From: Daniela
    To: Harvey Harvey
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.57
    Subject: hiya!
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    Hello. My name is Daniela. I’m 19, blonde and I’m bored. Let’s chat and have some fun. [email protected]. My firm breasts ache for you.
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    From: Harvey Harvey
    To: Daniela
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.59
    Subject: Re: hiya!
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    Hi Daniela
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    Nice to hear from you. I’m at work, so I’m a bit too busy to chat at the moment, but if you’re bored, there’s usually something good on TV now. I like to watch Cash in the Attic (BBC1, 11.30) when I’m not at the office.
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    I’m concerned to hear about your breasts. Could it be hormonal? I don’t want to be presumptuous, but my sister often gets discomfort in her boobs when it’s “that time.” She says Feminax helps, so maybe give it a try. If it continues, though, I’d definitely see a doctor.
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    Thanks for writing. Usually I’m free in the evenings if you still fancy a chat.
    Harvey Harvey
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    From: Marlon Norbert
    To: Harvey Harvey
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.00
    Subject: hey, little man
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    My buddy couldn’t give his girl big satisfaction until he add extra two inch to his frankfurter of love. Now he is the bedroom hero. Get extra steel for your rod if you are man enough. http://www.natural-herbal-gain.com
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    From: Harvey Harvey
    To: Marlon Norbert
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.01
    Subject: Re: hey, little man
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    Hi Marlon
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    Great news about your buddy! Thanks for the info. Sounds interesting. I am currently single, so it’s of no immediate use to me. However, I’ll file your e-mail for possible future reference.
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    All the best,
    Harvey Harvey
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    From: Britney
    To: Harvey Harvey
    Sent: 8 January 2009,