Free e Squared by Matt Beaumont

filter? I’m getting inundated and it’s fucking me right off.
    Â 
    From: Alex Sofroniou
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.18
    Subject: Re: spam
    Â 
    Sorry, Liam. Filter’s down. Working on it now. Please bear with us.

    Â 
    bbc.co.uk/news
    Racist attack
    Â 
    Â 
    A Cleveland man was badly beaten outside a Middlesbrough nightclub.
    Â 
    William Maddren, a 27-year-old man from Stockton-on-Tees, is in hospital with severe facial injuries after what the police believe was a racially motivated attack. The apparently unprovoked assault by a gang of up to six youths took place in the early hours of this morning outside the Shampers nightclub in Middlesbrough. Before the attack, Maddren was allegedly taunted with racist insults.
    Â 
    The incident was witnessed by Joanne Craggs, Maddren’s girlfriend. She said: “It was absolutely terrifying. These vicious skinheads were shouting the N word and everything. I was screaming at them to stop, telling them that William is white. He’s a ginger and his skin is like magnolia emulsion. But he got a can of that Winter Sun and he came out looking like Samuel bloody Jackson.”
    Â 
    From: Róisín O’Hooligan
    To: All Staff
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.25
    Subject: Someone get their arse down here NOW
    Â 
    I’ve got a very angry woman who wants to speak to whoever’s in charge of Winter Sun. She’s the color of my nan’s mahogany dresser and she’s freaking the sweet shit out of me. Is it asking too much that some fucker deals with her?
    Róisín
    Reception
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    From: Bill Geddes
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.26
    Subject: Winter Sun
    Â 
    Hate to be a nag, but I really need that recall ad.
    Â 
    From: [email protected]
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.28
    Subject: Your Loan Application
    Â 
    Dear Mr. O’Keefe
    Â 
    We regret to inform you that your application for a loan of
    Â£40,000
cannot be approved at this time. We are unable to accept
    caravan held in name of Mrs S. O’Keefe (applicant’s grandmother)
as security. Please feel free to reapply for a hassle-free E-zimoney loan in the future.

    Â 
    From: [email protected]
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.29
    Subject: Your Free Consultation
    Â 
    Dear Mr. O’Keefe
    Â 
    Thank you for submitting your photograph for a free online consultation. Unfortunately we are unable to help you at this time. For the Cro-Magnon® Miracle Transplant Technique to work, the client must have sufficient pre-existing hair to transplant. Regrettably your picture shows this not to be the case.
    Â 
    However, all is not lost! We are pioneering Cro-Magnon Canine®, a revolutionary technique that utilizes the hair of specially bred transgenic dogs. If you would like to take part in clinical trials, go to cro-maaon.com/woof today.

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    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Bill Geddes
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.31
    Subject: Re: Winter Sun
    Â 
    This morning’s correspondence has established that I couldn’t give a tuppenny fuck about a poxy recall ad for a product aimed at those who believe their pathetic lives will be transformed if only they were the color of oiled teak. Speaking personally, I believe Esmée Éloge should tell the whinging sods to get lost. Let their unwanted deep-cocoa complexions shine as a very public symbol of the vacuous cunts they are. For once, we’d be doing society a favor.
    Â 
    Now fuck off and leave me alone.
    Â 
    From: David Crutton
    To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.33
    Subject: new business
    Â 
    Good news to report. My office at 11?
    Â 
    From: Ted Berry
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.34
    Subject: Re: new business
    Â 
    This the big one? Looking forward to it, geezer.
    Â 
    From: Caroline Zitter
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.35
    Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
    Â 
    I am in