Free Face by Benjamin Zephaniah Page A

mate.’
    Mark quickly changed the conversation and began to ask Martin how the hospital staff were treating him. But the conversation seemed staged and artificial, and soon it was time for visitors to go. Almost as if planned, Mark and Matthew left, leaving Natalie alone with Martin. Natalie stood close to Martin. Martin held his hand out to her. She looked at it before gently taking hold of it. She felt the rough jagged skin of his hand and he felt the smooth, silk-like texture of hers. For a moment they looked at each other in silence. Martin’s eyes were fixed upon Natalie’s but Natalie found it difficult: her eyes shifted to the left, then onto Martin, then to the right, then back onto Martin.
    â€˜Ain’t you going to give us a kiss then?’ Martin asked.
    Natalie stood expressionless. She didn’t speak, and Martin could see that she had no idea how to reply.
    â€˜I’m only joking,’ Martin said, letting go of her hand.
    â€˜I’d better go now,’ Natalie said. ‘I’ll get you some rap tapes tomorrow.’ And she went.
    Martin was left not knowing what to think. These were his closest friends and they had found it so difficult facing him. He felt a kind of anger towards them but then he thought of how he would have reacted ifhe had been in their position. He convinced himself that he would have reacted much better. He also tried to convince himself that he would have kissed Natalie if the roles were reversed but in truth he wasn’t sure. Then, without warning, more negative thoughts flooded into his mind.
Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is a punishment from God. Maybe I should have believed in God more. Maybe no one will like me.
Thoughts like this tormented him until they became like another voice in his head.
I shouldn’t be the leader of the gang, I have brought pain and unhappiness to my friends and my parents. Maybe I should have died.
He began to shake, he felt like running anywhere to escape himself. At the point when the voice seemed so loud that he felt his head was going to burst, he pressed the red emergency button by his bed. A nurse he didn’t know ran into the room.
    â€˜What’s the matter? she said.
    â€˜I want to see Alan, the Scottish man, the counsellor,’ Martin said, speaking quickly. ‘And I want a mirror.’
    â€˜I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure if I can give you a mirror without authorisation. Let me get Mr Green.’
    The nurse left the room walking as fast as she could without running.
    When she returned, she was panting as if she had run miles. ‘Mr Green will be with you in five minutes, OK?’
    â€˜OK,’ Martin replied. ‘I’m all right now. I just want to be left alone until he comes.’
    â€˜Are you sure you’re all right?’ said the nurse.
    â€˜Yes, I’m all right,’ Martin shouted. ‘I just wanna see Alan and I just wanna see me.’
    The nurse left.
    In less than five minutes Alan arrived. He still seemed to be wearing a smile. ‘What can I do for you, mate?’ he said sitting at Martin’s bedside.
    Martin replied, ‘I’m just fed up, man. I just had a visit from my best friends and my girlfriend and they all acted like they hardly knew me.’
    Alan’s voice became lower but the smile was still there. ‘This is to be expected, Martin. The first thing you have to do is to come to terms with the way you are. Once you’ve done that you have solved many of your problems. As far as your friends are concerned, well, they have to figure out their own problems. They have to come to terms with themselves. They also have to think about how they see you, and sometimes, Martin, you may find that you will have to help them. They don’t mean to be nasty, they just don’t know how to deal with the situation.’
    Martin reached out to take the mirror that Alan was holding in his hand. ‘Can I keep