Free Problems by Jade Sharma Page B

“mom” on my phone.
    She picked up right away.
    â€œHey,” she said weakly.
    â€œHi.”
    â€œWhere are you?”
    â€œWe just got here.”
    â€œHow is it?”
    â€œI don’t know, Mom, I feel so out of place.” The cigarette tasted so good. My body started to feel right as the nicotine hit me, but then I felt a little woozy from not smoking all day. I crouched down.
    â€œWhat do you mean?”
    â€œThey’re just so nice.”
    â€œSo?”
    â€œIt’s weird. I don’t know what to say.”
    â€œRaj wants to talk to you,” and before I could protest, my brother was on the phone.
    â€œWhat’s going on?”
    â€œOh, Raj, it’s like, they’re like a normal family,” I said as I lit a new cigarette from the one I just smoked.
    â€œYou’re lucky. I bet the food is good. Mom couldn’t cook, so we’re having leftover lasagna and watching Colombo .”
    â€œYeah, it seems like there’s a lot of . . .” and then I heard Mom in the background. “Tell her not to eat too much, she’s already gained so much weight.” Why did she always have to be awful?
    â€œMom says not to eat too much.”
    â€œI heard.” I heard my mom again, “Potatoes, tell her,” and then she got back on the phone. “Don’t eat the potatoes, you know, carbs. Just eat some turkey and the vegetables.” You would have thought someone with her kind of medical problems would realizehow silly something like counting calories was, but somehow after she got sick, she’d become even worse, like she was clinging to these little things as the last fringes of her mom-hood or person-hood. The whole thing was so depressing.
    â€œYeah, okay”
    â€œWhere are you?” Raj again.
    â€œI’m out smoking a cigarette.” I put it out on the cold ground and stuck the butt back into the pack.
    â€œYou should probably go back in there.”
    â€œYeah, okay. Bye.”
    He said good-bye. It could have been worse. I could have been with them. A small leafless tree stood in front of me. Another house, blue against the gray sky. Peter hated winter. He said it was like death all around. But there was something beautiful about this naked tree in the wind.

Samuel Beckett said, “Nothing is more real than nothing.”
    I walked back into the house and took off my coat. I was covered in sweat, and the house was so hot it made it hard to breathe. I opened a window. I made my way to the plate of cheese we brought, and the crackers. Whenever I saw food, I felt compelled to eat it, even if I wasn’t hungry. Jake came in. I nodded, but he went in for a hug.
    â€œHey,” he said, looking at me, smiling. Jake could be so handsome it was almost startling. There wasn’t even any sexual tension between us because it didn’t feel like we were the same species. It was kind of a relief to hang out with people where you didn’t have to think about if you wanted to fuck them or if they wanted to fuck you.
    â€œSo, how’s it going?” I asked, stuffing my mouth. I started shivering again. Why did I have to wear the thinnest blouse in my closet?
    â€œYou’re still cold?” he asked with genuine concern. “Someone opened the window,” he said, and then went over and closed it. “Who would do that?”
    That was when I should’ve confessed, but I didn’t. I couldn’t seem to get warm. I put my coat back on, and my scarf. I was shaking. My face hurt. My sinuses were congested. One day someone would pick up my skull and say, “This human has the worst sinuses I’ve ever seen. It must have been horrible to live like that.” Sweat poured out of my pits. I could smell the dope-sick stench. A kind of rotting.
    â€œI’m so glad you finally met Sue.”
    â€œYeah,” I said. We sat there and smiled. Grace walked in. I hoped she couldn’t smell