Free Zombie Bums from Uranus by Andy Griffiths Page A

said Zack.
    Eleanor nodded. ‘The thing is, though,’ she continued, ‘the bums weren’t alive when Silas was there. They were frozen. Completely dead. Something must have happened to make them come alive again.’
    â€˜Silas told you all this?’ said Zack. ‘I thought it was top secret.’
    â€˜It was,’ said Eleanor. ‘But not anymore. As soon as a spectral analysis of their tails revealed that they were from Uranus—’
    â€˜Language!’ said Gran.
    â€˜I meant the planet,’ said Eleanor wearily. ‘Anyway, as soon as I realised, I reported it to Dad. He told me everything.’
    â€˜Any theories on how they reanimated?’ said Gran.
    â€˜No,’ said Eleanor. ‘I haven’t had time to study it. As soon as we set up a ring of fire around the Academy to protect it from the bumvasion, Dadordered me to come and find Zack and bring him back.’
    â€˜Can you lot shut up and get me some iced water?’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I got burned pretty bad back there and none of you seem to care.’
    â€˜You mind your manners,’ said Gran, ‘or I’ll give you a jolly good pinching!’
    â€˜Lay a finger on me and you’ll be sorry,’ said Zack’s bum.
    â€˜Right, that’s it,’ said Gran, reaching out to pinch it.
    Zack blocked her.
    â€˜You’ll have to excuse my bum, Gran,’ he said, filling a bucket full of cold water.
    â€˜You should have more control over it,’ said Gran.
    â€˜I’m working on that,’ said Zack, sitting in the bucket.
    Gran shook her head disapprovingly.
    â€˜How come you never told me you were a bum-fighter, Gran?’ said Zack, trying to change the subject.
    â€˜Well, if it had been up to me I would have, but your parents had other ideas,’ said Gran. ‘They thought—’
    â€˜Oh no!’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜What is it?’ said Zack, leaning forward to see out of the windscreen.
    In the distance, illuminated by the powerful beams of the bum-mobile, he could see the Bum-fighting Academy. Or at least, what was left of it.
    The entire area was devastated. Many of the buildings were either reduced to rubble or on fire. The sticks that had provided the ring of fire defence were scattered around the grounds.
    â€˜Looks like they’ve beaten us to it,’ said Zack.
    â€˜Who have?’ said Gran.
    â€˜The zombie bums,’ said Zack. ‘From Uranus!’
    â€˜Language!’ said Gran.

E leanor landed the bum-mobile on the Academy landing strip.
    From the ground the devastation appeared to be even worse.
    Illuminated by the ghastly red glow of the fires, it was clear that most of the buildings had been pounded from above and severely damaged.
    â€˜But how did the bums break through the ring of fire?’ said Zack.
    â€˜I don’t know,’ Eleanor said. ‘Bums are usually terrified of fire.’
    â€˜That’s right, we are,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘If we’re living, that is. But the zombie bums are dead. They can’t feel pain, so maybe they’re not scared of fire.’
    â€˜But I saw a movie once,’ said Zack, ‘and the zombies in that movie hated fire.’
    â€˜This isn’t some dumb movie, Zack,’ said his bum. ‘This is real life!’
    â€˜Stop squabbling, you two,’ said Eleanor. ‘We have to find out if Dad and the B-team are all right. I’m going out to investigate. Zack, I want you and your gran to stay here.’
    â€˜Oh no you don’t, soldier,’ said Gran. ‘I’m coming with you. You’re going to need an experienced bum-fighter out there.’
    â€˜I am an experienced bum-fighter,’ said Eleanor.
    â€˜Fiddlesticks!’ said Gran. ‘I’ve got more experience in my little finger than you have in your entire body.’
    â€˜That’s precisely why I need you to remain in the