Free Zombie Bums from Uranus by Andy Griffiths Page B

bum-mobile,’ said Eleanor. ‘If anything happens to me then you can take over E-mission command.’
    Gran’s eyes lit up as she looked into the cockpit of the bum-mobile. ‘Yes,’ she said, nodding. ‘I think that’s probably for the best.’
    Eleanor climbed out of the pilot’s seat and began to prepare herself. She pulled on a large pair of bum-kicking boots and selected two medium-sized bumblasters. Then she pulled down two bumcatcher belts. She slipped one around her waist and threw the other to Zack.
    â€˜I believe this is yours,’ she said.
    Zack caught the belt and smiled. ‘Thanks,’ he said, putting it on. He took the sauce bottle out of his jacket and hung it through a loop on the belt. Zack thought he’d better hang on to it. He still couldn’t see how it could possibly help him to save the world, but the Blind Bum-feeler had been right about him not being finished with bum-fighting. So she might yet be proved right about the tomato sauce.
    At last Eleanor was ready. She turned to them andissued final instructions. ‘If I don’t return in thirty minutes I want you to take off without me,’ she said. ‘Go to the nearest bum shelter and hook up with whoever’s left. But don’t try to fight the zombies on your own. Understand?’
    â€˜Understood, soldier!’ said Gran, saluting Eleanor.
    Eleanor returned the salute and then looked at Zack. ‘Zack?’ she said.
    â€˜Maybe I should come with you,’ he said.
    â€˜No way!’ said Eleanor. ‘You stay here, keep out of trouble and look after your gran.’
    â€˜I thought she was supposed to be looking after me,’ said Zack.
    â€˜Don’t argue,’ said Eleanor. ‘If you hadn’t run away then I could have been here to help defend the Academy.’
    â€˜I didn’t ask to be rescued,’ said Zack.
    â€˜And I didn’t ask to rescue you,’ Eleanor replied, climbing out of the top of the bum-mobile. ‘Thirty minutes, right? And don’t forget to lock the hatch behind me.’
    Zack nodded. He watched Eleanor move quickly across the yard and up the hill towards Silas’s quarters. He turned back to his gran who had already installed herself in the cockpit.
    There were so many questions Zack wanted to ask her that he could hardly decide where to begin. As it turned out, he didn’t have to.
    â€˜If only your grandfather could have seen all this,’ said Gran, waving her hand across the control panels. ‘He would have been amazed.’
    â€˜Grandpa was a bum-fighter as well?’ said Zack.He had never known his grandfather. He’d died long before Zack was born.
    â€˜Oh yes,’ said Gran, her eyes misting up. ‘Percy was a great bum-fighter. One of the first, you know. They called him the Wiper. He could wipe out a bum from up to a kilometre away.’
    â€˜Really?’ said Zack. ‘What happened to him?’
    Gran dropped her voice. ‘There are some bums that you should never try to wipe, Zack,’ she whispered. ‘Percy found that out the hard way. He was killed by Stenchgantor.’
    Zack gasped. ‘The Great Unwiped Bum?’
    â€˜Yes,’ said Gran. ‘You know of it? It lives in the Brown Forest.’
    â€˜ Used to live in the Brown Forest,’ Zack corrected her.
    Gran’s eyes widened. ‘You mean . . . it got wiped?’ she said.
    â€˜Not exactly,’ said Zack. ‘I killed it with the smell of my dirty socks.’
    Gran stared at Zack. ‘You killed Stenchgantor?’ she said.
    â€˜Yes,’ said Zack, ‘and the Great White Bum.’
    â€˜So it’s true!’ said Gran, nodding her head.
    â€˜What’s true?’ said Zack.
    â€˜Once,’ said Gran, ‘on a deserted country road, many years ago, Percy and I met a blind bum-feeler who offered to tell my future by feeling my bum. I was wearing a