Free Ms. Sue Has No Clue! by Dan Gutman

1
Five Thousand Dollars!
    My name is A.J. and I hate dead fish.
    Live fish are okay, but I don’t like the dead ones.
    We just finished pledging the allegiance in Mr. Granite’s class when our principal, Mr. Klutz, came in. He has no hair at all. I mean none . But you wouldn’t know it, because he was wearing a baseball cap on his head. * On the front of his cap was the word HATS.
    That was weird. He was only wearing one hat.
    â€œWhy does your hat say ‘HATS’ on it?” asked my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    â€œYeah, Mr. Klutz, do you label all your stuff?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
    It would be weird to have a lamp with a sign on it that said LAMP. Or a table with a sign on it that said TABLE. Some stuff you don’t need to name.

    â€œHATS stands for Helping All to Succeed,” Mr. Klutz told us. “That’s what we try to do every day at Ella Mentry School.”
    Mr. Klutz doesn’t come into our classroom very often. I figured he must have something really important to say. I hoped that we weren’t in trouble. Maybe he found out what we did to Mr. Granite’s pencil sharpener. Or maybe he found out what Ryan tried to flush down the toilet the other day. I tried to remember all the bad things I did recently.
    â€œI came here to tell you children that next month is our annual school carnival,” Mr. Klutz said. “I’m hoping we’ll be able to raise five thousand dollars so we can buy new playground equipment.”
    Five thousand dollars? Is he crazy? That’s almost a million .
    â€œHow are we ever going to raise that much money?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
    â€œI could sell my sister,” I volunteered.
    â€œThat’s illegal, Arlo!” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
    â€œYeah!” said her crybaby friend, Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says. “That’s illegal.”
    â€œWell, maybe we can sell my sister’s American Girl doll collection,” I suggested. “It’s worth a lot of money.”
    â€œHow about we sell all these desks and chairs and school supplies?” suggested Alexia, who rides a skateboard everywhere. “We don’t need that stuff.”
    â€œI know,” said Ryan. “Maybe we can sell the whole school ! It must be worth at least five thousand dollars.”
    â€œYeah!” all the kids agreed, except for Andrea and Emily.
    Ryan should get the No Bell Prize for that idea. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.
    â€œIf we sold the school, we wouldn’t have any place to put the playground equipment,” said Mr. Granite.
    Good point.
    â€œThe reason I wanted to speak to you today,” Mr. Klutz continued, “is because I’m looking for a parent who will volunteer to be in charge of fund-raising at the carnival.”
    â€œFund-raising?” I asked. “What does that mean?”
    â€œWell,” explained Mr. Klutz, “funds are money, and raising is . . . raising.”
    â€œSo you’re looking for a parent who picks up money off the ground?” I asked.
    Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
    â€œNo, dumbhead,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes. “Mr. Klutz is looking for a parent who knows how to raise money.”
    â€œI knew that,” I lied.
    â€œMy mom used to be a professional fund-raiser,” said Alexia. “But I don’t want her to volunteer.”
    â€œWhy not?” asked Andrea. “I bet she would be great.”
    â€œMy mom is weird,” said Alexia. “She’ll embarrass me if she comes to school.”
    â€œ All parents are weird and embarrassing,” I told Alexia.
    â€œYeah, you should see my dad,” said