Free Woman Walks into a Bar by Rowan Coleman

me look weak.
    â€œThe way I treated you after . . . I’m really sorry.”
    I bit my lip hard until it hurt.
    â€œOne two! One two!” The voice of the DJ setting up the Friday night disco boomed out across the background noise of music and voices.
    â€œYou’re sorry?” I asked him. It didn’t sound like I wanted it to. It sounded as if I was surprised that he should be sorry. Almost grateful.
    Luke smiled at me, a shadow of his old smile.
    â€œI am,” he said. “I really am. And I want you to know that that afternoon with you—it meant a lot to me. I really did like you. I really did want to go out with you. I had done for ages. All the boys fancied you, but none of them would go near you because . . . well, it wasn’t cool. I didn’t care about that, though. I didn’t care about what the others would say . . .”
    I heard myself laugh sharply.
    â€œFunny that,” I said. “Because that’s not exactly how I remember it.” My voice was stronger now. It sounded more like how I felt inside.
    Luke bowed his head, and I could see his pink scalp shining through his thinning hair.
    â€œI’m saying that that’s what I wanted to do, but . . . I wasn’t strong enough,” he said, looking up at me at last.
    â€œSo you didn’t want to go out with me,” I said. “I expected that. I could have got over it. But why did you have to turn my life into a living hell? Why did you say all that stuff about me, Luke? What did I ever do to you?”
    Luke could not look me in the eye.
    â€œNothing,” he said. “But I had to do it, Sam. If I didn’t they would have laid into me! You know how kids are.”
    I said nothing. I couldn’t find a way to respond to that. To Luke Goddard sweeping away the years of pain and hurt he’d put me through as if it was something . . . ordinary. Something to be expected. My silence seemed to encourage him.
    â€œSam, the thing is,” he said, “I’ve got kids now. Two girls, Katy and Martha. If the same thing happened to them . . .” Luke shook his head. “I don’t know what I’d do. I’ve come here tonight to ask you . . . Will you forgive me, Sam?”
    It felt as if time had frozen for a second. All I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears as I thought about what Luke Goddard had just asked me. At that moment all I wanted was for it to be over. For him to be gone and for me to be free to go home and be with my family again. To turn the TV up loud and shut out the world.
    â€œWhatever,” I said flatly, pressing my anger out of my voice, lifting and dropping my shoulders in a shrug. I’d say anything for this to be over. It wasn’t me moving on. It was just raking up a past I tried every day to forget.
    But Luke didn’t seem to understand that—he looked as if he thought I really had forgiven him, breathing out a long sigh of relief.
    â€œThank you,” he said, reaching out for my hand. “You don’t know how much better that makes me feel. Now I can put all that business behind me and move on.”
    I snatched my hand out from underneath his as the noise of the pub flooded back in all around me. I thought I was going to let this go for the sake of a quiet life—but I couldn’t believe what he had just said.
    â€œYou can move on, can you?” I shouted at him as I stood up. People stopped talking and stared at me. “What about me, Luke? What about me? When do I get to move on? When do I stop waking up in the middle of the night crying because I’ve been dreaming about what you did to me? When do I stop worrying every second that the same thing is going to happen to my little girl? When do I finally get to put you and all those other sad stupid fucks out of my life for good and move on?” I picked up the pint he’d been