Free Get Smart 8 - Max Smart Loses Control by William Johnston

replied. “All the hands they have now seem to be KAOS guards, so they must need somebody to do the work. And 99 could register as a guest.”
    “Brilliant,” Max said. “Exactly what I was thinking.”
    “There’s one problem,” 99 said. “Ways and Means have seen us, and surely they’ll recognize us if we appear at the ranch.”
    “See, Hymie—you’re not so smart after all, are you?” Max said. “When you were thinking what I was thinking, you forgot that little detail.”
    “I thought we could disguise ourselves,” Hymie said.
    “You’re a mind-reader,” Max said approvingly.
    The three returned to the car, drove back to town, then went to a costuming shop and purchased disguises. Max and Hymie cemented handlebar mustaches to their upper lips, and 99 donned a redheaded wig.
    “How do I look?” Hymie asked.
    “Ah don’t believe ah know you, stranger,” Max replied.
    They then drove back to the ranch. After hiding the car, they approached the ranch gate, where a guard—dressed as a ranch hand—was on duty.
    “Howdy, podna,” Max drawled. “We’re two cow pokes and a lady guest.” He indicated 99. “She’s the lady guest.”
    “Welcome, Miss,” the ranch hand said. He pointed toward the guest house. “Thataway,” he said.
    99 passed through the entrance and moved on toward the guest house.
    “Whichaway do we go?” Max asked the hand.
    “It depends on what you want?” the ranch hand replied.
    “Waal, we just come off the big drive to Abilene,” Max said. “And we’re fixin’ to tie-up with a new outfit.”
    “The big drive to Abilene, eh?” the hand said suspiciously. “How did you get there?”
    “The freeway,” Max replied. “How else?”
    “Well, we might be able to use some extra hands,” the guard said. “Come along.”
    He led them to the guest house, then into the office. There, Max and Hymie found themselves in the presence of Wayne Ways and Melvin Means.
    “Looking for work, eh?” Ways said. “Have you had any experience?”
    “Doing what?” Max asked.
    “Handling a herd,” Means said.
    “Of course,” Max replied. “Cows are practically our middle names.”
    “I’m talking about the guests,” Means said. “If they’re not watched, they stray, and get lost on the desert. That costs money.”
    “What are you getting for guests by the pound these days?” Max asked.
    “I mean if they stray and get lost for good they can’t pay their bills, naturally,” Means said. “Okay, you’re hired,” he decided. “Your duties will be to take care of the pony and the steer and—”
    “Are they the same as the horse and the cow?” Max asked.
    “Right. We only got one of each. That’s enough for atmosphere, we figure. Your other duty will be to do whatever the guests request. Just kind of hang around and be available.”
    “We do that very well,” Max said.
    “You’ll bunk in the bunkhouse with all the other hands,” Ways said. “Oh . . . and one other thing. If you happen to be near the pool and hear a lot of loud ticking, pay no attention to it.”
    “What causes it?” Max asked.
    “Sun spots,” Ways said.
    Max peered at him puzzledly. “Sun spots?”
    “Why not?” Means said. “Everything else gets blamed on sun spots—why not loud ticking?”
    “That makes sense,” Max admitted.
    “Okay, let’s shake a leg!” Ways said.
    Hymie shook his right leg.
    “Uh . . . he has a great sense of humor,” Max explained, hurrying Hymie out.
    Max and Hymie went first to the bunkhouse. There were separate rooms for each of the hands. They were surprised to find that on each bedside table there was a bedside computer.
    “That’s very nice of Means and Ways,” Max said. “Not every employer is thoughtful enough to supply his hired hands with such conveniences.”
    “There must be some reason for it,” Hymie frowned.
    “Of course there is—good employer-employee relations,” Max said.
    “Some other reason,” Hymie insisted. “We’ll