Free My Life and Other Massive Mistakes by Tristan Bancks

raise money for kids in Cambodia, and you might see teachers practising their routine in sequined lycra outfits, which could stunt your growth and lead to lifelong mental disturbance.
You might not have realised that it’s World Sloppy Food Day, when all teachers cook some sloppy food at home and bring it in to share. You might see teachers with straws, slurping sloppy food out of saucepans.
You might not have realised that it’s World Wear Your Undies to Work Day and … well … you know…
You might see teachers laughing and sharing stories and eating and being normal. This could change your entire worldview and make you actually want to become a teacher!

‘I’m going to have a convertible,’ Jack says.
    â€˜I’m going to have a limousine,’ I tell him.
    â€˜I’m going to have a convertible limousine.’
    â€˜Yeah, well, I’m going to have a convertible limousine with a cinema and a spa and a bowling alley in it,’ I say.
    â€˜I’m going to have a bowling alley with nine cinemas and a 13-hole golf course.’
    â€˜Minigolf?’
    â€˜No, real,’ he says.
    â€˜How are you going to fit a real golf course into a bowling alley that is inside a car?’

    â€˜My architect’s working on it.’
    Jack kicks a crushed lemonade can along the gutter with the tip of his holey-toed sneaker. We’re walking up my street, heading home from the bus stop. I’m quiet for a bit, thinking about how cool it will be when we actually have the stuff we always dream about.
    â€˜I hate talking like this,’ Jack says. ‘It gets me all excited, then we can’t do any of it. We need cash, and lots of it.’ He kicks the can again.
    â€˜I know,’ I say.
    â€˜Like, not a small amount. A large amount of cash,’ Jack underlines, punting the can as he says large. ‘Ow.’
    â€˜I know.’
    â€˜Like, more cash than Rupert Murdoch or Packer or Trump.’
    â€˜Absolutely.
    â€˜More cash than there is in the world right now.’
    â€˜How’s that even possible?’
    â€˜I don’t know,’ Jack says, ‘but guys like us can make it possible. Some people complain about things being impossible but they shouldn’t waste the time of guys like us who are already making stuff happen.’
    We stop in front of my place. The grass in the front yard is up to my knees. I’m supposed to mow it but Mum won’t pay me for it. She says it falls into the category of ‘helping out around the house’.
    â€˜Maybe we could sink a mine in my yard,’ I suggest, kicking at the ground.
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜A mine. That’s how the government getscash. They let billionaires sink mines and then they sell all the stuff out of the ground to China.’
    â€˜But the only things buried in your backyard are broken toys. And … What was the name of your old dog?’
    â€˜Dennis.’
    â€˜And Dennis.’
    â€˜There might be other stuff. You never know till you start digging. I wonder how much a fracking rig costs,’ I ask.
    â€˜Doesn’t fracking leak gas into the water so you can light a match and set your tap water on fire?’
    â€˜I think so.’
    â€˜That’d be cool,’ Jack says. ‘Yeah. Mum’d get weird about it, though. I think she used to be a hippie.’
    Jack and I dump our backpacks in the long grass and sit on the kerb.
    â€˜What else have we got?’ I ask.
    â€˜I make plenty of natural gas, but after whathappened with Mr Schmittz, maybe we should rule that one out.’
    â€˜Yeah.’ I bite my thumbnail.
    Jack picks his nose.
    â€˜Don’t pick your nose!’
    â€˜Why not?’
    â€˜I don’t know. Hey, maybe we should sink a mine in your nose.’
    â€˜I’ve already got one up there,’ Jack says. ‘And I pull out, like, 100,000 dollars’ worth of premium nuggets every day.’
    â€˜I