Free Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) by Rick Gualtieri

have completely fucked up my chances with her, but it would have been far more preferable compared to what lay ahead for both of us. My only advantage was knowing how much shit I was in. She would be blindsided.
    I stopped midway into Sally’s office. No, I couldn’t let that happen. The call’s outcome couldn’t be predicted, but I had a very good idea what my next course of action was going to be.
    * * *
    “Greetings, Freewill,” a voice on the line intoned.
    “Hey, Harry,” I replied flippantly. “Fuck up the launch of Farm Blitz yet?” Harry Decker was yet another on my ever-growing list of arch-enemies. He also, not coincidentally, happened to be the senior vice-president of marketing at my workplace, Hopskotchgames.
    “Hardly. In fact, I expect a nice bonus from that one. Perhaps I’ll buy myself a new Bentley.”
    “Only douchebags drive Bentleys,” I spat. It wasn’t much of a comeback, but rubbing my face in the fact that he pretty much wrote his own paychecks just poured salt in the wound.
    “I’m sure your work relationship is truly fascinating,” James interrupted, “but we have far more serious business to discuss.”
    “Of course, vampire,” Decker replied.
    “Esteemed Magi,” Colin said. “We welcome you to this conclave under protection of truce...”
    Truce? What the fuck?
    “Will you be attending alone, or shall we extend the invitation to others of your circle?”
    “I speak for my coven,” Decker replied arrogantly. What a douche.
    “Very well, honored guest.” Colin’s tone took on a sour note. “Freewill, are you ready?”
    “How come Gandalf the Gay gets an esteemed and honored greeting?”
    “Because he’s not you.”
    I heard Decker chuckle. Make that double douches.
    “Colin, please,” James said, his tone neutral but the warning fairly evident.
    “My apologies, Wanderer.”
    James ignored his sniveling and got down to business. As he began to speak, I locked eyes with Sally. Her look mirrored my own. She had no idea how this was going to play out either.
    “Mr. Decker, the Magi and the vampire nation have been on civil terms these past few centuries.”
    “Indeed,” he replied. “My people have no quarrel with yours...typically.”
    “Yes, we are aware of your issue with the Freewill. However, we consider that to be a personal matter.”
    I had meant to be a fly on the wall, but my mouth had other plans. “It’s fucking personal, alright.”
    Sally rolled her eyes - yeah, saw that one coming a mile away.
    “I am here on good faith, Wanderer,” Decker said. “Kindly restrain your dog.”
    “Dog? Fuck you, you...”
    “That will be enough, Dr. Death.” I knew what James was capable of. Likewise I knew the influence he now wielded as one of the thirteen most powerful vampires on the planet. All of that considered, I shut my mouth quickly, obeying...like a dog. Motherfucker!
    “My apologies,” James said.
    Sally immediately reached over and hit the mute button. “Curse out the asshole this way if it makes you feel better.”
    “Not as much fun if he can’t hear it, but good idea anyway.”
    “I’m full of them.”
    “You’re full of something all right.”
    “...as you can see, the situation is somewhat beyond normal. Considering the circumstances, I’m forced to investigate potential causes.” Oh crap, what had James been saying? From the sound of things, he was just summing things up for Decker. Hopefully there hadn’t been any questions in there for me. “Do you have anything to add, Dr. Death?”
    Yep, I deserved that one.
    “Err...no, I think that about covers it.” I hoped I didn’t just hand Decker a “get out of blowing me up free” card.
    Silence resonated on the line for several seconds. “Despite our past vendetta against the Freewill,” Decker said at last, “my coven did not attempt to assassinate him this evening, though it would have been well within our power.”
    I flipped the finger at the phone. It only made me