Free Life and Laughing: My Story by Michael McIntyre

the legendary Vincent Price (‘Darkness falls across the land …’), Kenny’s TV sidekick Cleo Rocos and Billy Connolly’s wife, Pamela Stephenson.

    Dad and the legendary actor Vincent Price on the set of Bloodbath at the House of Death . Known for his quirky unconventional directing style, my father insisted that his crew should be holding a polystyrene cup at all times.
    Last week I met Billy Connolly, a hero of mine, at an awards ceremony. I was very nervous about introducing myself. I thought he may remember my father, as he appeared himself on The Kenny Everett Show and his missus starred in my dad’s movie, but not for a moment did I think he’d recognize me. I loitered near him while he was talking to the comedian Rob Brydon, and then he caught my eye. ‘Youu, it’s you!’ he hollered as only Billy Connolly can.
    ‘Hello, Billy Connolly,’ I said, more posh than usual (I always get posher when I’m nervous).
    ‘I was on the train last year,’ said The Big Yin, ‘and I saaw Time Out magazine. The headline was “King of Comedy”, big letters. And it was YOU. It was fuckin’ youu! King of Comedy? I’ve never fuckin’ heard of you. Who is this guy? I thought. I’m the King of Comedy. I spat out ma sandwich. I’m sittin’ there with bits of sandwich on my newspaper and in ma beard.’ Billy Connolly knew who I was because he didn’t know who I was. I was thrilled nevertheless.

    Comedy legends Ronnie Corbett, Rob Brydon and Billy Connolly with ‘The King of Comedy’ himself.
    We then had a photo taken, which consisted of, from left to right, Ronnie Corbett, Rob Brydon, myself and Billy Connolly. Referring to our heights, the photographer said, ‘Look, you’re getting bigger and bigger.’
    To which I replied, ‘In talent.’ That’s another thing that happens when I’m nervous. I get a bit cheeky and arrogant.
    ‘Who said that? Who said that?’ cried Corbett.
    ‘The King of Comedy strikes again,’ sarcastically noted Connolly. We had a brief and nice chat, but I could sense he thought I was posh, cheeky and arrogant. He vaguely remembered my dad, but when I brought up Bloodbath at the House of Death , he simply said, ‘Pamela’s been in a lot of shit movies.’ I think that pretty much sums up how my dad’s film was received. For all the hope and hype, he may have bitten off more than he could chew.
    The film was a horror spoof. The strap line was ‘The film it took a lot of guts to make’. I think that towards the end of filming the budget may have been a bit tight. The final scene of the film is an E.T. spoof: a spaceship departing and E.T. running through the woods. The spaceship leaves without him, and E.T. says, ‘Oh shit, not again!’
    My reasoning for suggesting there may have been financial issues with the production is that the voice-over artist my dad hired to play E.T. was a six-year-old. Me. I had only recently been speaking in sentences that didn’t involve the words ‘Ma’, ‘Da’ and ‘Shums’, and here I was doing voice-overs. And swearing. I was a pretty cool six-year-old.
    When people met me and asked, ‘Are you at school, little man?’ I would reply, ‘Yeah, but I’m mainly involved in the film industry. I do impressions, mainly extraterrestrial at the moment but I’m looking to diversify.’
    Prior to the film’s release, everything seemed to be on the up. My parents’ Capris were replaced by BMWs, and when the Junkins moved out of London, we bought their flat and also convinced the owner of the remaining flat in the building to sell. We suddenly owned this massive Hampstead house. Well, we actually owned three flats in a massive Hampstead house. We had three kitchens and a million bedrooms, and my sister and I had unimaginable amounts of fun running around it. Kids love to play house – well, until the renovations started, we each had our own apartment. Suddenly I was a voice-over artist with my own place in Hampstead. I was a great catch when I