Free Mealtimes and Milestones by Constance Barter Page A

thoughts from inside the box
    I had family therapy afterwards which felt really helpful, because we talked about our family dynamics more and how we are so sensitive individually.
    My school was brought up too, by my dad. He explained quite bluntly about the reality of me being here. They have already paid lots of money for a school term that I am not even at. In an ideal
world, he wanted me to be back on 5 January when everyone goes back. This really seemed to strike a chord with me. I am fully aware about the money issue involved, but it seemed to mean more
because someone had talked about it directly. This experience also helped me to see how beneficial talking directly can be.
    In the evening I was told that I would have to have my supervised meal with my parents on Sunday rather than Saturday, but Dad wasn’t able to do this, so this is going to have to be
discussed tomorrow.
    Friday 12 October
    In Friday Group, splits and divides among the young people were discussed and how certain members of the group were being left out, and my name was mentioned. It was
suggested that I am ‘bobbing below the surface’. Personally, though, I feel more like a baby bird flapping its wings on the edge of the nest, but just not being ready yet to take that
leap out of the security that I know. It feels too scary right now.
    After the group, I was told that I couldn’t have a supervised meal this weekend because the unit can’t do Saturday and my parents can’t do Sunday. This brought feelings up that
I seemed to be open about. Some were my own, genuine feelings, and some were my anorexia’s. I was angry, but actually more frustrated because there weren’t enough staff. But anorexia
has twisted this into the fact that I am not worth enough to people for them to let me have a supervised meal. More importantly, I was also upset because I had really been doing a lot of thinking
about how Mum, Dad and I can improve and move forward from the last meal, so that I go from using the staff’s support to using the support of my parents in an unsupervised meal. So I
therefore felt quite let down.
    Saturday 13 October
    In the afternoon we decided to go to Hay’s Galleria in London but the Tube was shut, so we had to drive to the nearby town and get the train, which was always going
to be tight, because I didn’t finish my feed until 2 p.m. I could feel the stress rising, especially from Dad, and for the first time I was able to confront him about it. It was scary,
because I didn’t want to upset him, but afterwards I really felt the benefits from being open with him and he said it was only because he wanted me to have the best and longest afternoon out
in London possible. The rest of the day went smoothly and it was a giant leap that I had taken.
    Sunday 14 October
    In my key session I made three different-coloured bracelets:
    a green one, signifying anger and frustration;
a blue one, signifying feeling low, upset or anxious;
a gold one, signifying confusion, questions or that I need to talk to someone.
    They are in preparation for my NG tube coming out tomorrow. The idea is that I will wear the one that matches what I am feeling so that my allocated member of staff can
recognize what I am feeling and help me with it. They will allow me to receive help in the best form and not take me too much out of my comfort zone. If I could just try and get some of these
emotions out, then I wouldn’t need to express them over food, so then I won’t have to have the tube back.
    Monday 15 October
    I got some feedback from school on some work that I had sent in. This felt really good, because it helped to reassure me that people weren’t moving on while I was
away and that I was still being thought about.
    At 6.30 p.m. it was time for the tube to be removed and my key worker came in. The mixed feelings seemed even more powerful now. It felt like my armour and protection was being taken away. I
would now have to fight without it; I