Free Mealtimes and Milestones by Constance Barter

and a step to getting rid of anorexia, but it seemed to hold
on to me even tighter now, determined not to let me get out of its clasp.
    If I had disobeyed then I would have upset my only true friend – it may be deceitful but when I work with it then it makes me feel so good and powerful and nothing can replace that. If I
upset it then I must be a really, really bad person.
    Sunday 7 October
    I only went to church for half of the service today because it was the harvest festival and to be honest I don’t really want to go to church to celebrate food.
Before it started, though, one of the congregation, who I see every week, came up to me and said:
    ‘My grandson was anorexic, but is coming to lunch today and he’s got through it, and he has just finished university, so just keep going and you’ll get there too like
him.’
    I got complete goosebumps all over. It was a very short conversation but her words were just so inspiring and touched something deep down inside me and shone a light on me for the rest of the
day.
    I spoke to one of my friends on the phone in the afternoon and she also offered words of inspiration and support. It reminded me what support was out there for me and today I feel like I
actually want to get better, which in itself is a revelation.
    Monday 8 October
    In Monday Group 25 we played ‘Human Bop-it’ and ‘Honey I Love You’ and I have never laughed so much in my
life, I was actually crying with laughter!!! Then, during tea one of the therapeutic care workers said that she didn’t know that I had such a giggly and bubbly personality. I thought about
this quite a lot, because I wondered why this was, and tried to think of reasons and all I came up with was because my mind is so corrupt and it does really drag you down deeper and deeper so it
becomes increasingly more difficult to be positive and smile.
    In the evening I received the most amazing text from a friend which meant the world to me and it felt like hope would never end. It read:
    TEXT MESSAGE:
    I’m friends with Constance because she’s really cute and funny and when she smiles it makes me feel good inside. I’m comfortable around her and
     don’t have to try. She’s kind and considerate to other people’s feelings.
    I’m going to finish today with that.
    Wednesday 10 October
    I had a key session today and I was told that the tube had to be changed and was going to be taken out on Monday at 6.30 p.m. which left me with very mixed feelings.
    I am going round in a bit of a circle. Again I’m not ready to have the tube out, but will I ever be ready? Every day that it stays in, I feel more and more reliant on it, and it has been
two months now since the first one was put in, and I’ve had one in for the whole time except for a couple of days in the middle. I know this isn’t the life I want to lead, but if I let
go, then I’m bound to punishment by my mind, and giving in is by far the easiest option.
    In the evening I made a list of the pros and cons of drinking. It did help me to put things into perspective but my worries and concerns about the tube coming out haven’t seemed to
budge.
    Thursday 11 October
    In Creative Group 26 the young people had to suggest something that others in the group could do, something which was outside their
comfort zone. For me it was suggested that I do something more 3D and try and incorporate my feelings into it, because I don’t tend to express them that much.
    I made a heart-shaped box with a slit in the top. I then wrote my worries and concerns on a piece of paper and posted it through. I then decorated it with glitter. It was a step, because I was
expressing my feelings, but I still didn’t feel ready to share them with anyone else. Covering the box in glitter also seemed quite symbolic, although I didn’t think about it at the
time, because I often disguise my feelings and mask them over, a bit like the glitter was hiding the misery of those thoughts inside.

    My