Free Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants by Steve Hartley

The Great Big Book
of World Records
London

    Dear Danny
    I’m as excited as you are about all this snow, because I’m looking forward to sending out lots of certificates for new snow-based records in the next few weeks.
Hopefully one or two will go to you! However, it won’t be for the Nasal Icicle-dangling record. Your dangle was a good one, and just a drip or two short of the British record, but well short
of the world record.
    The small, nomadic Mukpikluk tribe from the North Pole wear traditional icicle jewellery from their ears, nose, hair and fingers. In 1982, to celebrate her hundredth birthday,
the Chief Tribal Elder Woman, Clotilda Littlefish, grew a nasal icicle that was 128.55 cm long. It was said that the beautiful tinkling music made by her wonderful icicle body-ornamentation would
charm even the most ferocious of polar bears to sleep, and so keep the tribe safe.
    The world record for Mucus-enhanced Nasal Icicle Dangling is held by Vladimir Popov, of Tomsk in south-west Siberia. In the winter of 1996, the temperature in the city fell to
a record low of -56 C. On the morning of 29 January Vladimir was waiting at his local station for a train that was delayed due to yaks on the line. He was suffering from a heavy cold and had an
extremely runny nose. By the time his train arrived, five hours late, Vladimir had a slimy green icicle that reached from his nose to his feet, measuring 169.45 cm in length. Amazingly, it had
frozen solid to the platform, and Vladimir was locked in place. By the time firemen had cut him free, he had missed the train.
    ‘Popov’s Pillar’ of mucus is now kept in cold storage during the short but warm Tomsk summers. Every winter it is taken out and placed on the platform, where
it is used to display notices about the late arrival of trains and the dangers of not blowing your nose.
    Have lots of record-breaking fun in the snow, Danny!
    Best wishes
    Eric Bibby
    Keeper of the Records
    Danny stood by the kitchen door pulling on his wellington boots as he and Matthew got ready to go out into the snow. Mum sat at the kitchen table, feeding baby Joey with warm
milk from a bottle. He snuffled and gulped it down noisily.
    ‘What have you two got planned for today?’ asked Mum.
    ‘We’re going to check out the Sports Centre,’ replied Danny. ‘Jimmy Sedgley said that Ryan Biggs’s sister’s friend’s auntie said the water in the pool
is frozen solid. Jimmy said they’re going to open it up for ice skating!’
    ‘But the snow in town will be up to your belly-buttons!’ exclaimed Mum.

    ‘I’ve made us some snowshoes,’ said Matthew, holding up one of four old tennis rackets with straps and buckles stuck to the frames. ‘We just fix these to the bottom of
    our wellies, and our weight gets spread out so we don’t sink into the snow.’

    Just then, Danny’s big sister, Natalie, shuffled into the kitchen to get her breakfast.
    ‘I feel terrible,’ she grumbled, and blew a long noisy Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnk! into a handkerchief.
    Dad swallowed the mouthful of breakfast cereal he was chewing, and sniffed. ‘What’s that smell?’ he asked.
    Mum lifted Joey’s bottom up to her face and sniffed his nappy. She shook her head, then glanced at Danny’s feet. ‘Are you trying to break the world record for the stinkiest
feet again?’
    ‘No, I’m not!’ protested Danny, sniffing the air in the kitchen. ‘Besides, when I tried to break that record, my feet smelt a bit like boiled cabbage and seaweed
and eggs and cheese and drains all mixed together. This pong’s completely different. It’s more like cat pee . . .’

    ‘And mouldy potatoes,’ said Matt.
    ‘And sour milk . . .’ said Dad.
    ‘And the elephant house at Walchester Zoo,’ said Mum.
    Danny followed his nose around the kitchen to find out where the smell was coming from, and it led him straight to his sister. ‘It’s Natalie Snotalie! She’s the
smell!’
    ‘I am not!’ she cried.
    ‘You are!’ said