Free Young Tales of the Old Cosmos by Rhys Hughes

On the Shoulders of Pipsqueaks
     
     
    The day that Pluto was demoted from a regular planet to a dwarf planet, all the other worlds in the solar system gathered together to offer their condolences.
    They didn’t really gather together, that’s just a figure of speech, and Mercury and Venus were on the far side of the sun at the time, so neither of them witnessed the actual event or saw the expression on Pluto’s face when he lost his dignity, but Mars gave them a full description later and they made do with that.
    The demotion was shocking news indeed, though Neptune claimed to have long foreseen a crisis along similar lines and blamed Pluto’s erratic behaviour for his change in status.
    “What do you mean by that?” protested Pluto.
    “Well, consider your orbit for one thing,” Neptune explained to the smaller globe. “It’s so irregular it cuts in front of my own path, causing me to wince at each crossover point. I know we travel on differently inclined planes and there’s no danger of a collision. But all the same, how can you be so reckless?”
    “I blame the parents,” was Jupiter’s comment.
    “You blame the sun?” blinked Neptune .
    “No, no, I was thinking of gravity. I should have said that I blame the parents of the parents.”
    “Parent, not parents. Singular, not plural,” prissily corrected Mars, flexing his polar icecaps. “Besides I don’t accept that gravity really is the parent of the sun. I believe that gravity is the sun’s hobby or its political affiliation, something like that.”
    “Why don’t we ask directly?” suggested Uranus.
    Jupiter shrugged his atmosphere. “Fine by me, but you do the asking. It was your idea, not mine.”
    “On no account must you disturb the sun,” objected Neptune , “with such a trivial question. Not while he’s at work, anyway, and he’s always working. It’s not easy fusing hydrogen atoms into helium. None of us can imagine what that must be like. And he never gets a day off because to all intents and purposes he is the day!”
    “We won’t ask him then,” huffed Uranus.
    In the meantime Mercury and Venus were feeling excluded from the conversation. They looked at each other, then looked at Saturn, who also happened to be far away from the action at this time, further than any other world in fact and on their side of the sun too, but he wasn’t able to provide any new information. They would have to wait for Mars to swing round and relay all the gossip as usual.
    Nobody bothered with Earth, of course. On account of an ugly chronic disease it had developed a few billion years previously, the others mostly shunned that blue and white globe. It wasn’t a true disease, more of an infestation that lowered the status of the victim to a point where empty vacuum was accorded more respect. Earth was bitter about this treatment and threatened to lodge an official complaint at Galactic Central.
    “Sexual discrimination is what I call it,” she fumed.
    “Pardon?” asked Jupiter uneasily.
    “It seems perfectly obvious to me,” continued Earth, “that in a solar system where only two of the nine planets are female, there’s bound to be a certain amount of gender based bias, even if it’s unconscious rather than deliberate.”
    “Eight planets, not nine,” whispered Uranus.
    But Pluto had overheard and began sobbing. “Written me off already, have you? That’s clear proof of a lack of solidarity and honour among the members of this system. Frankly I’m glad to be no longer part of your treacherous company. If I hadn’t been demoted already, your callous attitude would compel me to resign my definition. And I don’t even care if that statement is illogical!”
    This outburst embarrassed Jupiter. “Come now, dry your eyes,” he soothed. “Don’t let your craters overflow.”
    Neptune was more upbeat. “You should look on the positive side, dear Pluto, and take into account that you are now part of a new set of celestial bodies more