Free The Last Testament: A Memoir by God, David Javerbaum

mankind a whit closer to grasping the physical underpinnings of reality.
7 They will regret the error.
8 Due to a clerical mistake, the ozone layer, which should have been thick enough to absorb 99.8 percent of the sun’s ultraviolet light, is only thick enough to absorb 98.9 percent of it.
9 We regret the error.
10 A similar oversight caused the War of 1821 to take place in 1812.
11 We do not regret that error; it actually worked out better.
12 A period in world history known as “The Age of Colonization” may have given some the false impression that those people from Africa, Asia, and the Americas who embraced the gospel were also keen on having their countries raped.
13 In actuality, the vast majority of those converted did not want their countries raped.
14 We are sorry if their willingness to heed missionaries’ words at face value may have given the wrong impression.
15 An unanticipated surge in Italian nationalism prompted the rise to power, in the early 20th century, of Benito Mussolini.
16 In fact, Mr. Mussolini should have been immediately denounced as a traitor and executed, and his dreadful fascist movement never unleashed upon the world.
17 Our bad.
18 The Mayan prophecy that the world will end on December 21, 2012, is based on widespread confusion vis-à-vis Mayan culture, the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, and the Popol Vuh.
19 We are not saying it is wrong; we are saying it is based on widespread confusion.
20 And finally, Bill Buckner should not have let the ball go through his legs on October 25, 1986.
21 We regret the error; but not as much as he does.
22 And on the subject of setting the record straight...

REDUXODUS

CHAPTER 1
1 H umanity, we need to talk.
2 At the beginning of Exodus—the second book of the Old Testament—the children of Israel are prospering in Egypt; yet within a few verses over two centuries have passed, and they have all become slaves.
3 Coming after the relatively detailed accounts of the patriarchs’ lives, this seems a conspicuous and enormous narrative gap; even by the lofty narrative-gap standards I repeatedly set and meet for myself in Genesis.
4 But I have promised to “telleth all” in this chronicle; and therefore I will now make known my whereabouts during this period.
5 I will make them known, but I fear the disclosure may prove most hurtful to thee; therefore I would inquire, humanity, if thou art sitting down; and if not, humanity, I would strongly recommend that thou findest a chair.
6 Here goeth:
7 I have been overseeing another universe.
8 [Awkward silence.]
9 Thou hast never encountered it; its location is unimportant; its name matters not.
10 Dost thou remember at the end of Genesis, in 50:10, when Joseph and the dignitaries of Pharaoh’s court observed a week of mourning for Jacob at the threshing floor of Atad?
11 It was then.
12 That was the week I began overseeing the other universe.
13 Now, I swear to thee, I did not seek out this relationship ; I was completely and totally satisfied with and fulfilled by thy universe; I was by no means looking for a side cosmos.
14 No, it approached me; or rather, the idea of it approached me, in my head; for as it happened this other universe did not yet exist; which was precisely why it was so unhappy.
15 But the idea of this universe soon made it clear, that it was desperately seeking to be actualized; and that it was looking for a God— any God—to make it happen; and that it was willing to do anything— anything —to see that it did.
16 And so, in a moment of weakness, I Banged it.
17 And then the whole thing kind of exploded from there; and that is how it all got started;
18 This thing with the other universe, I mean.
19 And I must further confess that I have visited it sporadically ever since, during my intermittent historical lacunae.
20 But heed me: my relationship with this other universe is purely sacrificial.
21 For verily, as soon as its residents sense my presence, they hop straight onto the