Free Beside the Sea by Veronique Olmi Page B

off again. I waited in all that bustle, that turmoil, that rushing, trying to find a quiet corner to lay my eyes, I was the only person not moving, and then eventually I found it: up in the sky there was a big wheel full of whoops and screams, I settled on that and didn’t let go. The people hung in the air for a moment then they were brought back down very fast – like in life. A breath of air and then you fall.
    In the white lights of the big wheel the sky looked pale, I knew it was dark all around, nothing but darkness in every direction. And silence. I was in a furious pinpoint, with darkness all around, I was a star, old and always there, old and full of fire. I’d been thrown up into the sky, I wasn’t holding on to anything but everything around me hung on, like I was cradled by arms.
    I stayed there sitting on that bench and when we had no money left the kids came and sat down next to me. I was still looking at the big wheel. I liked hearing the people scream, they weren’t real screams, nothing terrible was happening, it was wonderful. I was up there, in the white light, head down, feet in the air, I could puke up, scream with cold or joy or anger, I could do anything I wanted, I’d paid with golden coins, and down below the earth had turned upside down, a pathetic little lump, the crowd wasn’t worth anything, milling about pointlessly, birds on a dung heap.
    Kevin started snivelling, I came down to look at him, he said he was tired. I went straight back up again. I could see the sea from up there, it had reached a foreign country, all the fish had gone with it, and the seaweed, and the shells, all that was left were the rocks. I wrapped myself up in the darkness, followed the motion of the wheel, it was moving for me, no need to choose a direction, you just had to let yourself go, I was still in its arms.
    Kevin started sobbing and Stan pleaded with me, How do I get back down to earth? I wondered, it felt so good in this volcano spitting flashes of light, don’t feel like letting go and falling into the freezing cold mud, churned up by everyone’s shoes, spread thick on the ground, no really, don’t feel like landing in that mess.
    Stan stood himself in front of me, I couldn’t see the white light any more, I came back down in freefall, my head spinning while my body stayed still, Stan was shouting that we had to go back and go to bed, that Kevin was tired, that Kevin had been sick, that Kevin was crying, that Kevin was coughing, Stan was blocking the big wheel from view, with his wet hair and his huge mouth, I hardly recognized him. I looked over at the littl’un, he was sobbing, his shoulders shuddering, snot running from his nose over his mouth, and his legs kicking at thin air. The fun was over.
    The cold had accumulated inside me without my realizing and it spread right through me when I stood up. My hair made my neck wet, icy droplets ran down my back, the rain always wins in the end if you don’t watch it, the rain never forgets anyone.
    I took Kevin by the hand and we left that funfair, going against the tide, in the opposite direction to the crowd, as usual. My back was stiff, I’d have liked it to be broken and then put back in place, Icouldn’t feel my feet any more, I was walking with planks at the ends of my legs.
    We’d hardly left the funfair before we were plunged back into darkness, we could still hear the music and the screams in the distance, and the bells ringing, and the Roll up! Roll up! but it wasn’t for us any longer, it was forgotten. No one will remember my little boys in their dodgem. What was the time? Still evening? Night time already? And the morning, when was that? Who was it for?
    We walked on in silence in the dark, and the rain came with us while the funfair disappeared behind us, along with the girls who still had age on their side and the men hanging on to their arms, everything was getting smaller, their lives buried in the darkness. Where are those people when