Free The Best of Down Goes Brown by Sean McIndoe Page B

We're here in the spirit of full cooperation, so let's roll up our sleeves and get to work!
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    Bettman: Great. OK, you know what, I'm having trouble seeing everyone. I think it would make more sense if maybe we moved that row of chairs over a bit so that we could all …
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    An angry murmur immediately spreads through the players.
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    Bettman: What? What did I say?
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    Brendan Shanahan (stepping forward) : Uh, moving things around like that could be considered realignment. You need the players' permission first.
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    Bettman: Oh for …
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    The players quickly huddle up around Donald Fehr.
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    Bettman: It was a simple common-sense suggestion.
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    The players return from their huddle.
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    Fehr: We think everything is just fine the way it is now.
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    Bettman (sighing) : No, it's not “just fine.” Look, we have all the Winnipeg guys sitting out in the hallway. That doesn't even make sense.
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    Winnipeg players ( muffled, from the hallway ): Sure it does!
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    Fehr: Look, Gary, why don't you and the owners just move on to explaining your main issue with the current CBA?
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    Bettman : OK, sure. Basically, we need a system that will protect owners from runaway salary inflation that could potentially damage their team's viability.
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    Shanahan : Uh, Gary …
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    Bettman : Hold on, Brendan. Like I was saying, we need the players to help us create a system where overall spending is tightly controlled, and where we all—
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    Shanahan : Gary?
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    Bettman : Not now, I'm on a roll. The players need to understand that the current system makes it simply impossible for the owners to have any control over the …
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    Bettman pauses.
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    Bettman : Is something burning?
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    Shanahan nudges Bettman and directs his attention to the owners' side of the room, where a large bonfire is now burning on the floor.
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    Bettman : Is that … is that a big pile of money?
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    Owners : No!
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    Bettman stares disapprovingly.
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    Owners ( sheepishly ): Yes.
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    Bettman ( under his breath ) : Guys, we've talked about this. Why did you light a big pile of money on fire?
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    Sabres' owner Terry Pegula approaches, wearing a welding mask and holding a blowtorch.
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    Pegula : I don't know. All this talk of fiscal responsibility was getting kind of boring, so we all decided it would be fun to start setting our money on fire.
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    Bettman : All of you?
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    Pegula: Yeah. Well, except for the New Jersey guys. They're not having much luck.
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    Everyone looks over at the members of the Devils ownership group, who are unsuccessfully waving a lit match under a nickel.
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    Bettman: Wonderful.
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    Fehr: You see, Gary, this is the point we keep trying to make. The owners always want the players to make more concessions and agree to more restrictive rules, when all you guys need to do is just show some discipline and have each team stay within its means.
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    Bettman: It's not always that simple, Donald.
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    Fehr: It's not? Hey Olli, could you introduce yourself?
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    Olli Jokinen: Hi, my name is Olli Jokinen. I'm a borderline top-six forward who has never really lived up to expectations. I'm scheduled to be an unrestricted free agent this summer, so I'll be—
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    Jokinen is interrupted by the owners, who immediately start squealing and throwing wadded-up bills at him.
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    Fehr: See?
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    Bettman: OK, that's one example.
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    Fehr: Pavel?
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    Pavel Kubina: Hi, I'm a defenseman in his mid-thirties whose best years are well behind him. I was a healthy scratch in the playoffs, and I'll also be an unrestricted free agent if nobody—
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    Kubina is interrupted when a dump truck backs into the room and buries him under a pile of money.
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    Shea Weber: Wow, this is amazing!
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    Weber excitedly rushes to the front of the room.
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    Weber: Hi, everyone! I'm arguably the best defenseman in the entire league, and I'm still in my