Free Still Surviving by A.M. Johnson Page A

and, once my eyes fluttered open, I realized my hand was laying against his hard stomach. My eyes widened and a slight smile broke across my face as I noticed that our legs were tangled in the best of ways. I turned my head just enough to steal another breath of his scent. The pads of my fingers lightly grazed along the lines of his defined abs.
    “Well, good morning to you… find anything you like?” Seth’s voice was full of sleep as he chuckled.
    I was sure he could feel the heat in my cheeks as they turned bright red with embarrassment. I immediately started to extricate my body from his.
    “Stop moving.” He gripped my hand in his and placed it back on his stomach. “This is the best fucking wakeup call I’ve ever had, don’t ruin it.” His laugh sounded like gravel in his chest. “It’s still too early.”
    “Seth… I feel like I got caught with my hand—“
    “Down my underwear… no that’s a few more inches down, sweetheart.”
    I slapped him against his chest as I lifted up on my forearm. “You’re an ass. I’m mortified and you’re making it worse.” His blue eyes sparkled with humor, and I laughed. “God, you suck.” I sat up completely and pushed the covers down letting the cold air hit our bodies. “There’s your wakeup call, jackass.”
    He growled and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me back down into the bed, his nose burrowed into my hair. “Stay the fuck still so we can sleep. I’m tired, I have a headache, and I want to forget I need to get ready to go to work soon. Can we do that? Just give me five more minutes?”
    My lips spread into a broad smile. I’d give him all the time in the world. “Sure… five minutes, and not a minute more.” I giggled at his groan. He released me from his embrace, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. I didn’t like the space between us. After last night, after I’d ripped open my veins and bled my soul onto the floor for him to see, I wanted nothing more than to hide with him in this private bubble.
    “I need to get going. I have a ten o’clock class.” He sat up and looked at the clock. He swore under his breath as he realized it was already past nine. He jumped out of bed and rapidly moved through my room, dressing himself and gathering his things. I just couldn’t find the energy to move as I listened to him call a cab.
    Everything about last night ran through my head: the confessions, the touches, and the promise. I wasn’t stupid. Seth cared about me, and at times it was very apparent he wanted me, but he never let himself, and that hesitation on his part made me feel small and confused. He had trust issues, he was a man whore, and he kept himself safe behind a well-constructed façade. But last night he let me into his isolation.
    “I’m sorry to have to leave so soon.” He stared at me; his bright eyes searched my face. “Are you going to be okay today?” He came over and sat next to me on the bed. I noticed he left a little extra space between us, and my chest tightened. He was pulling away, he was letting the curtain fall, and it stung.
    “I’ll be fine.” My smile was tight and the warmth in his eyes faded.
    “Want to ride back to Blue with me? Get your car?” The gray color of his eyes grew deep as I shook my head.
    “No, I’ll just have Lily pick me up before work.” I dropped my gaze to the bedspread and let a stray piece of string roll through my fingers.
    He exhaled before he stood. The silence between us made the air thick. He once said to me, that night after I bailed him out of jail, “ I’m not who you think I am.” The gravity of that statement was just starting to hit home. I had no idea who Seth was. After three years, I was still no closer to finding out what he wanted from me, from life, from himself. Sometimes, like last night, I’d get a glimpse, and lately the snap shots of who he truly was came more frequently. But then he’d shut the door on me, slam it in my face, and I’d be left out