Free M/M- Ripped (Boys Of Summer) by Mia Downing Page A

about what I want.”
     
    “Jesus. What the hell do you want that you can’t just spit it out? You always seemed so simple. I’m the complicated one.” Gavin’s face screwed up in puzzlement. “I’m sorry, but I don’t get this.”
     
    Erik ignored him, gathered his balls, and said, “I’ve thought a lot, and I’m going to move out to my uncle’s in California. I can work from anywhere with my job, and I’d like to see that side of the country. My mom and dad think it’s a great idea.”
     
    That was a lie. A fucking lie on so many fronts. He didn’t want to leave Gavin. He was a dickwad for running three thousand miles away because he was afraid Gavin would never allow himself to fully love him.
     
    His mom was pissed as all hell about the idea. She’d been even more pissed that he hadn’t said anything to Gavin before the picnic. So when she cornered him yesterday, she’d gone up one side of him and down the other, telling him he was a shitty friend. Yeah, his mother said shitty. Worse, he felt shitty.
     
    “What? You’re moving?” Gavin looked even more confused, and then the words must have sunk in because shell-shocked returned full force, along with a flash of deep pain. “Jesus. No .”
     
    “I’m sorry. I know you need me here. But I can’t be here. I need to move on.”
     
    Gavin ran one hand over his face and smacked his other on the surface of the picnic table. “Can we discuss this?”
     
    “Why? There’s no point. I’m leaving, that’s that.” That sounded really firm for a change. He liked that. “I need to start living, and I’m not living.”
     
    “Then what are you doing?”
     
    “I’m waiting.”
     
    “For?” Gavin swallowed, and the confused look mingled with the pain. “I know we’re guys, and we don’t do the whole talking thing, but I’m confused. I know you’ve had a shitty week. So have I. I don’t think that’s reason to pack up your wagon and head to L.A. to pan for gold.”
     
    Erik bit the bullet and went for the truth. “I can’t wait for you any longer. Almost dying has shown me that I can’t wait. Life is too short to love you from a distance. I want to be able to love you, all of you. If I can’t do that, at least in private, then I need to move on.”
     
    Erik glanced at Gavin’s shell-shocked face, the tanned skin pale underneath. His heart told him this was so fucking wrong, and he should wait. His head pushed him to keep going. Rip the bandage free. “I love you, Gavin. I have loved you since forever. I’m sorry. I know it hurts, and I’m a shitty friend to leave you. But I think my staying will hurt you more than me leaving you.”
     
    “Oh.”
     
    “I know you, and I know me. You’ll go with the flow and I’ll feel guilty because I’ve turned you into something you don’t want, like when I made you go to chess club with me because I thought we could do it together.”
     
    “I liked chess.”
     
    “But you liked me more, and you went because I wanted you to go. It wasn’t what you wanted.” But Gavin had gone and never complained. “All you want is for me not to leave. You love me, but not the way I love you.”
     
    “We made love.”
     
    “We had sex,” Erik corrected softly.
     
    Panic washed over Gavin, pushing him under the surface of faked calm, drowning him. His breath lingered somewhere else, and there was no way in hell he could catch it. “It felt different. With you.”
     
    “Yes. But were you controlling me with cuffs and a blindfold because you loved me and wanted to take me higher, or were you controlling me because you were afraid I’d love you. There’s a big difference. I did make love to you, in the shower. I put every ounce of love I had for you into that blowjob. But you were too far gone to notice that.”
     
    Not true. He’d felt that. God, he’d felt that. But he was drowning, and if he opened his mouth, he’d die. He felt it, ripped at the seams. So unsafe.
     
    Erik cocked